Planet Linson

49 Nifty States?

2012-01-12T19:08:00.004-06:00

My kid has been singing a new song she learned in Music class… “Fifty Nifty United States”. It’s pretty cool, and it lists the states in alphabetical order, all set to music.

That would be just about the only way I’d be able to remember all of them.

She sang the whole thing for us at dinner, having to stop every now and then to figure out which one came next.

Some states were sung with a little more panache (Ne-vah-daaaaa, O-hi-oooo, and Utaaaaah get the star treatment and some ‘jazz hands’ for good measure.)

J: “…Tennessee, Texas, Utaaaaah, Vermont, Virginia, Washington, Wisconsin, Wy-o-miiiiing!'

...And that's the end!”

Me: “That’s great! But, um…does poor West Virginia just get left out?”

J: “That’s just a city, anyway.

Me: “Noooo. It’s a state.”

J: “REALLY? I guess maybe it wasn’t a state back when the song was written. I think it was written in like 1993.”

Holy crap.

In that case… welcome aboard, West Virginia. ;)

But I BELIEVE!!

2011-12-22T12:40:00.002-06:00

The words to make faint every mother’s heart at this time of year:

D: “I’ve decided what I REALLY want for Christmas!!”

Me: “What?? We’ve already sent your list to Santa!”

D: “That’s okay. I know Santa will come through.”

Me: “But it is just three days until Christmas. Don’t you think that, um, Santa already… um… has his sleigh loaded??”

D: “According to all those movies we’ve been watching, that happens just before take-off, so no worries.” (Darn those movies running on a loop in the family room!!)

Me: “Weeeeelllll… let’s hear it.”

D: “The ONLY thing, and I mean the ONLY thing I want for Christmas…

...is every Lego set that’s ever been made that is part of a scene from Hoth.”

Me: “Oh, *that’s* all?”

(True story. Happened yesterday, in fact.)

Some requests are a little easier, just kind of random and out of the blue. You may remember that I posted that Libby had included toothpaste on her Christmas list. The very same child that once spent almost an entire week, toothbrush-less (and no… I had NO idea.) I only know now because when I cleaned out her little backpack that she’d packed to spend a weekend with her cousins, I found the toothbrush, still neatly packed in its little plastic case.

So, imagine my surprise to find toothpaste on her list. It is called ‘Orajel My Way’, and she saw it on a commercial, of course. The attraction? It comes with stickers you can put on the outside of the toothpaste pump. Revolutionary, right?

At this late hour, however, I’m wondering if I can just get by with a tube of Colgate and a leftover sheet of stickers from my stash of scrapbook supplies.

And just last night in the van on the way to the Zilker tree, another unexpected request:

L- “I need one of those hats.”

Me: “A hat? You have a hat.” (She had one on, in fact. A really cute, warm one that matched her little coat.)

L: No… one of those that goes over your face. And it has the holes? For your eyes? And your mouth? Then I could still see. And take a drink.

(silence)

Josie: “You want a SKI MASK??”

L- “Yeah. I need one.”

Well, I guess if Santa doesn’t deliver on the Hoth Lego sets, Davis can enlist his sister and her ski mask to knock off the nearest Target toy department.

At least she’ll have clean, shiny teeth in her mugshot.

Top 5 Reasons I am glad it is Christmas break:

2011-12-20T16:51:00.002-06:00

5. No school... which means...

4. No homework! Yeah, yeah, I know my kids are all still in elementary school, so comparatively, they don’t have THAT much homework, but it is still an ever-present afternoon event (read: “necessary pain in the @$$”).

So, it is nice to have a bit of a break from spelling lists, projects, etc., and to not feel guilty about having Christmas movies running on a loop in the family room.

3. Time to decorate cookies, update blogs, play the Wii, finish up Christmas presents, build gingerbread houses, go to the Zilker tree, and rake the leaves.

Now, we haven’t actually *done* any of that (with the exception of the Wii), but we have TIME!

Which is currently being used to watch Christmas movies running on a loop in the family room.

2. I can get caught up on the pile of laundry.

Piles of unwashed laundry make me crazy. Piles of clean laundry make me even crazier. Yet ‘pile up’ it has, over the last week or so.
The clean laundry is in baskets in the laundry room… and on the floor of the laundry room…and on top of the dryer… and on the couches in the family room (you would think someone might fold a towel or two while watching Christmas movies running on a loop, am I right?).

The clean laundry piles are now interspersed with the kids’ backpacks and coats that are usually hung neatly on a pegboard in the laundry room, but were thrown onto the floor on Friday during the ‘Great Sugar Crash of 2011’, and have been all but abandoned.

Which brings me to the #1 reason I’m glad it is Christmas break…

1. When Libby ran through the family room yesterday, twirling something over her head, yelling, “Look what I found in my backpack when I was looking for my candy cane!”...

... the only people that were treated to seeing my black, lacy panties (that evidently had fallen out of a laundry basket and into her open backpack), were members of our family.

And not her entire first grade class.

Happy birthday to my precious Libby Lu :)

2011-11-30T20:18:00.002-06:00

This song has been on replay in my mind lately… ‘Blink’ by the contemporary Christian group, Revive.

A sampling of the lyrics:

I don't want to miss
Even just a second
more of this

It happens in a blink
It happens in a flash
It happens in the time it took to look back
I try to hold on tight, but there's no stopping time…

And here’s why:

My baby has a birthday tomorrow. I am now truly one of those moms that can say, “It seems like just yesterday that I brought her home from the hospital!” Because that is how I feel. I’m trying to hold on tight, but time is flying at a rate I feel unequipped to handle.

My sweet baby is turning seven. Seven years that have passed in the blink of an eye.

Five for Sunday

2011-11-27T11:27:00.002-06:00

Five for Sunday

1. okay, first and foremost, no more lame apologies about why this here blog isn’t getting updated more than once a month. I know that you know that I know we’re all bizzy people. Whatevs.

2. If you have been catching up on my life via my status updates (which really is all anyone has the time for these days anyway!), you already know that not only have I hit my weight goal (so long to those 35 pounds!), but that I’ve also been through training to become a leader for Weight Watchers. I’m learning so much… like to nod, and look thoughtful, mostly. Which I am learning is not as easy as it sounds.

Especially if you are like me, and you like to talk like I like to talk. And I like to talk. (Huge surprise, I know.) So, it will be a good thing.

3. The season is upon us… the season of ‘Elf’ and ‘Home Alone’, ‘National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation’, and glory Hallelujah, ‘A Christmas Story’. It’s time to get your ‘Ralphie’ on, friends… bunny suit and all.

4. Oh, and another season is upon us… deer season. And my nine year old son killed his first deer, and happiness abounded on Planet Linson. I have deer sausage in my freezer, and it is oh-so yummy. It tastes of spice, and my childhood. :)

5. Speaking of deer season, when we were in the van a couple of weeks ago (pre-dead-deer), and were lamenting about the lack of deer sausage in our freezer...

Libby: “Maybe a deer will just run out and we’ll hit it with our car!”

Phil: “Well, let’s hope not. Besides, you're not supposed to use that for meat anyway. It's illegal. Remember the rules from hunter education, Davis?”

Davis: “Yeah, you can’t use a deer for meat if it has been hit by a car.”

Josie: “I *totally* get why… it’s because of the 5 second rule, right??”

Um, yeah… that’s why. ;)

Dino from the Flintstones never looked so... well... happy?

2011-10-19T16:31:00.003-05:00

It’s true. For the last month, I’ve forgotten that I have a blog. Actually, it wasn’t so much that I forgot… it was more that I have been a little busy with ‘Occupy Hobby Lobby’, ‘Occupy Kids’ school’, and ‘Occupy Weight Watchers’.

Short story… I am NEVER at home anymore. Between subbing at the kids’ schools, working on craft projects for the holidays, subbing, training for Weight Watchers, hitting my Director goals for Thirty-One, and SUBBING (can you tell I’ve been subbing a lot?!), I have not been keeping up with certain things.

And the blog? Well, it’s been pretty low on the priority list.

But I just had to share something that made me laugh out loud today, as I subbed in 2nd grade. One bonus of subbing for the younger grades is all the ‘gifts’ that those little darlings want to bestow on you. A substitute is such a novelty for little kids… “Someone new to tell my story about the cat that my dad accidentally ran over on the way to school! Someone new that I can ‘help’ with all the rules, and who doesn’t know that we’re really not supposed to color with the Sharpie markers !”.

As opposed to being a substitute for older grades, or God forbid, middle school… “Someone new that doesn’t know I’m NOT actually a foreign exchange student who claims to speak no English!” (oh, the things they try to get away with! ;)

Anyway, by now, I’ve subbed at the kids’ school often enough that most of the kids know me pretty well, and I walk out the door at the end of the day with a sampling of drawings and little notes. Today’s example, though, deserves its own special badge of honor. It was definitely one of those that makes you say…

“Wow, sweetie! That is so, um… just… WOW! Tell me all about it…”

Which just happens to be the code for either:

1. What the heck is this?

OR

2. ‘Am I looking at what I THINK I’m looking at???’)

In this case, it was code for the 2nd one.

“Mrs. Linson, it’s a DINOSAUR!”

Why, yes… it certainly appears to be. *cough, cough

A very merry Christmas in September

2011-09-14T19:38:00.002-05:00

I’ve already started my Christmas shopping.

Now, don’t be a hater… I wasn’t *going* to do any shopping yet, but when you find the perfect gifts for the perfect people, it’s hard to not just jump right in with both jingle bells, waving your Mastercard around, yelling, “I’ve got to get me one of those!! Or maybe even THREE!”

And honestly, they don’t mind you doing that in TJMaxx. It’s encouraged, even.

So, I wasn’t *going* to do any shopping yet, but when this little gem arrived in my mailbox, I was a goner.

I do so love getting catalogs in the mail, but I usually am pinching pennies, which makes my catalog perusal exactly that… more of a perusal, and less of a purchasing expedition. But everything in this catalog is TOTALLY in my price range! Which just happens to be somewhere between free, and ‘how well do I like this person’? I usually lean a little closer to the ‘free’ end of the spectrum.

And this catalog? Well, this catalog is the perfect marriage of Lillian Vernon meets SkyMall meets Home Shopping Network. This would be THE catalog that Lillian Vernon would conceptualize when flipping through a SkyMall mag whilst on a plane to the Home Shopping Network studio.

So, with Mastercard in hand, I’ve hammered out a couple of gifts for the most *special* people in my life. And I mean that in the *special-ist* way possible.

First and foremost, I’m totally getting this candle for my mother.

She likes Paula Deen… she likes candles. And I have a sneaking suspicion that this candle probably smells like butter. Or bacon. Or white-haired old lady.

This candle makes me want to talk with a Southern accent, use an alarming amount of butter in recipes, and narrate to an imaginary audience exactly what I’m doing every time I toast a piece of bread. It’s a ‘must-have’ for every white-haired old lady in YOUR life. (I kid, Mother.)

And for my MIL (mother-in-law)? Well, she enjoys a glass of wine every now and again, and I just knew that she would love to visit with The King while imbibing.

The King of Rock & Roll, of course, not to be confused with the King of Pop. I’m not 100% sure she’d know who the King of Pop is (was), and would wonder why there was a picture of an ugly white girl with sunglasses and an unfortunate nose job on her Christmas present.

These glasses are divine, though, and feature the King in his glory days.

Of course, I can’t help but think that the fat, bloated Elvis in his later years might be more appropriate on wine glasses, but I guess nobody wants a cautionary tale when they’re having a cocktail. Which explains why there are no Lindsay Lohan wineglasses. Not that my MIL would know who that is either.

But the clincher? The item that made this catalog my automatic ‘One Stop Shop’ for All Things Crap… er… Unique?

For my darling husband:

I KNOW!! I couldn’t believe it either! The style…

the flair…

the complete abandonment of self-esteem and total indifference for one’s appearance.

I mean… um… the COMFORT!

(oh, and click on the picture to get a better look. Because, really, why *wouldn't* you??)

I simply couldn’t choose between the dark wash (with realistic patches and boxers showing at the waist! Even gangstas want to be comfy in their jammies from time to time)...

... and the acid wash (BTW, 1987 wants their Pajama Jean back.) But at the oh-so-reasonable price of $12.95, I can afford to get both pair!

It was a happy day on Planet Linson when I realized my hard-working husband wouldn’t have to sacrifice comfort to look...well, to look completely disheveled in what looks like jeans from back in his college days when he worked in an aviary, and was attacked by a giant African crane (a whole other blog).

Now, I know what you’re thinking… where can I find that catalog?? Well, I’m pretty sure I included the website on a couple of my pictures because I really have an eye for detail. And a compulsive laziness in regards to cropping and/ or Photoshopping pictures for my blog.

So there is a very good chance that you will go there, and find the perfect gifts for your loved ones. One can never have too many “Jingle Jitters Latte Candles”, “ShotGun Shell Shot Glasses”, or “Glow-in-the-Dark Balls” (not kidding.)

I was going to include pictures of each of those, as well, but did I mention my compulsive laziness? So, yeah.

What I wouldn’t do to have one of each and every thing from the Lakeside Collection. Well, one of every item, save one.

If you get the urge to do a little shopping for ME?

Well, skip the jellybeans, and just send the booze.

Thanks, and Merry Christmas in advance! :)

Oh, you have no idea.

2011-09-01T14:26:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I took my van in to have the drop-down DVD player repaired.

It stopped working a few months ago, but I haven’t had a chance to take it in because I couldn’t be without my vehicle during the summer. The logistics of three kids, dropping off the van, switching the seats into Phil’s car, etc. was just too much to handle in this heat. So no DVD player in the car all summer. No biggie.

It’s not like we really went anywhere that was far enough away to allow even one movie to play all the way through, anyway.

Not my point.

Point is, kids are finally back in school (yay!), we are headed to Dallas for the weekend, and I was looking forward to a nice, quiet drive with the kids wearing their headphones, immersed in a movie they’ve seen 50 times, but shush each other throughout like it’s a first-run premiere.

So, I took the van in to have it repaired/ replaced/ basically whatever the warranty covers.

And the tech was a very nice guy. Nice enough to write down the stations that my radio was set to so he could re-set them after they worked on the system. Nice enough to offer to run my receipt up to customer service to check out the warranty, since I seemed like I was in a hurry.

Nice enough to checkmark the box for the ‘Interior of the Vehicle’ as:

HEAVY WEAR & TEAR.

Whaaaat?? That’s not very nice. :(

I mean, I know my van’s not the cleanest mini-van on the planet (Planet Linson or otherwise.) But HEAVY wear and tear? On a vehicle that I’m still 5 months away from owning outright??

NORMAL wear and tear, yes, I get that. I mean, I have been known to let them eat in the car from time to time.

And there was that time I let them eat their McDonald’s ice cream cones in the van because I saw that guy sitting in the booth next to us, rocking back and forth, eyes squeezed shut, murmuring, ‘Oh, Jesus! Oh, Jesus!’, and clutching his backpack to his chest. That seemed like a good opportunity to just grab our cones, and enjoy them on our drive home.

And we MAY have had a Sonic slushy or two spill out on the seats. And there *is* a red gummy bear ground into the back of the seat that we’ve never been able to fully get out. But it’s covered by a carseat… there was no way he could have seen that!

Anyway, I peeked over his shoulder as he filled out the form, checking off HEAVY WEAR & TEAR.

The only place to go from here is the box marked: COMPLETELY PIGGISH CONDITION.

He saw me watching him. He must have noticed my stricken look because he shrugged and said, “I just have to finish up the paperwork. Don’t worry, I’ve seen a lot worse. Kids can really do a number on a car.”

I just sighed and nodded.

But what I really wanted to say was, “You should see what they can do to a uterus.”

That's NOT what I meant, honey!

2011-08-19T20:15:00.003-05:00

We’ve got stuff to do around here, y’all. Lots of stuff.

Not only is it the week before school starts, and we’re busy with all that entails, like new haircuts, finishing up shopping for clothes, meeting the teachers, school supply drop-off night, and grocery shopping for Fritos & Capri-Suns for lunches,…

but I also have been running around, delivering Thirty-One products and catalogs to hostesses and customers , getting my paperwork finished to kick off my leader training with WeightWatchers, and in general, getting ready to be ‘out of pocket’ for the next three weeks, subbing at the kids’ school.

Oh, and we mustn’t forget:

Re-finishing our kitchen table.

Don’t ask me why my darling husband and I picked now to undertake this massive project. We’ve been meaning to tackle it long before now, but we’ve never gotten around to it. Something about 3 kids, a ‘new-ish’ job, our busy schedules, and, oh… life in general, kept getting in the way of progress.

So, it makes perfect sense, I guess, to wait until the week before school starts to whip out the card table for our family of five to use at dinner.

Great planning on our part...am I right?

And of course, we have to do all of this inside the house right now because it’s so incredibly hot outside. We’ve completely disassembled our front room to use as a temporary workshop. (Well, I can hope it’s temporary.)

We’re working on it in the evenings after the kids head to bed, sanding and staining at a snail’s pace. Meanwhile, it appears that we are eschewing other mundane things like… oh, laundry. And cleaning. And personal hygiene (kidding! I just skipped shaving my legs. Like you've never done that. Whatever.)

Superb timing on our part...am I right?

The kids have become accustomed to walking around the furniture that’s been moved to a new place, and the plastic tarp covering the carpet. We’re officially living in a work zone for the next couple of weeks, and we’re just going to have to get used to it.

What I can’t get used to, though, is telling the kids to hurry up and finish eating their dinner,

“…because Mommy and Daddy have got to GET BUSY!!!”

Regrettable word choice on my part... am I right?

Eat your heart out, Hallmark.

2011-08-14T16:23:00.005-05:00

Isn't that the sweetest? A card my 6 year old made for me. She eschews color, as you can see, and goes for a more 'minimalist' look.

And on the inside?

I can't help but feel like there's some subtext at play...

Just push that to the side, kids!

2011-08-07T22:13:00.001-05:00

A couple of weeks ago (yeah, yeah, I started this entry that long ago, but never got around to finishing it), on one of the hottest days on record, we did something completely insane. We spent the day at Fiesta Texas.

And by the end of the day, we were limp dishrags. First off, the temperature was well over 100 degrees, and we powered through about 7 hours of rollercoasters, spinnakers, and loop-de-whirls. We were exhausted, overheated and completely BROKE. Been to Six Flags lately? If you haven’t, prepare to empty your wallet because a day at the park is no longer a ‘day at the park’.

Tickets? About $50 apiece, which for a family of 5… well, you do the math. Don’t forget about the $15 parking fee. Add to that snacks (frozen lemonade: $4 per person), any games, and lunch or dinner in the park (a ‘meal deal’ for 4 burgers, fries and drinks… $49.99)… YIKES!

There are definitely ways to cut some costs, which the thrifty (cheap!) Linsons have discovered. First off, we love season passes. Well worth the money spent! We opted to not get them this year, though, as our spring started off a little rocky (I’ve practically blocked it out, but we went through a whole JOB TRANSITION early in the year?? So Six Flags season passes went pretty low on the priority list ;) The kids got free tickets for doing the ‘Read to Succeed’ program at school, so we used those, and had a coupon for ½ price for the other two tickets.

And as for snacks and lunch? Well, we’ve got that down to a science, too.

Don’t blow the whistle on us, but we... GASP!... take in our own food. In a backpack. Oh, yeah… we know it’s not ‘allowed’. Whatevs. I mean, they WILL check the backpack… it’s their job, and they’re usually pretty thorough. You just have to make sure that you choose the line that has the young teenage guy checking the bags. Well, he won’t throw out my Pringles potato crisps or my Nature Valley granola bars. No sirree.

That’s because he never gets past the economy size package of sanitary napkins I always put on top of the packed lunches.

Trust me, he’ll practically throw your bag back into your arms, mumbling, ‘um…have a Six Flags day, ma’am’.

Curious Coupons

2011-07-15T15:02:00.002-05:00

Checking the mail around here, as you may remember from previous posts, is a pretty infrequent occurrence. In fact, when I checked it yesterday, Josie actually said, “Why are we checking the mail? Didn’t we just check it two days ago??” She seemed a little concerned. Like I was waiting for something suspect to show up in our itsy-bitsy mailbox. Because she knows all the good stuff gets delivered directly to the door, via UPS or Fedex, and what can possibly be worth heading to the mailbox TWICE in one week?? I’m raising snail mail snobs.

All that is to preface this…without fail, in the last three months, I have received weekly coupons in the mail. Not necessarily unusual.

Except that they are coupons for Similac baby formula.

I find this incredibly odd. Especially since my ‘baby’ is 6 and a half years old. And she’s never had an ounce of formula in her life.

My first two kidlets had formula after they were weaned from my own Special Blend (which was a heady concoction of Diet Coke and Snickers bars, otherwise known as the ‘sleep deprivation diet’) at around 8 and 6 months, respectively. We made the switch to mostly solid foods then, and then switched exclusively to milk in a Sippy cup upon their first birthdays. But the youngest? She was a champion nurser, and weaned right at a year.

Basically, we just never had to buy very much formula. No one had food allergies, either, so we were blessed that we never had to buy the special (read: ‘uberexpensive’) brands, either.

What makes the coupons even more curious? They are addressed to me, with my name spelled correctly (unusual in itself) and each one highlights the age of my ‘baby’. Today’s coupon mentioned all the things my baby can do now that he/she is 3 months old!

Oh, it also mentioned that I was probably thinking about heading back to work after my maternity leave… which has lasted approximately 11 years.

I have to say, though… this ‘mystery baby’ has been the cheapest and easiest baby so far. I credit the coupons.

What I don’t understand is why companies don't send out coupons for what new moms (and seasoned moms, for that matter) really need?

-A Bottle of red wine

-a new tube of lipstick (sometimes that’s the only makeup we have time for!)

-Diet Coke and Snickers bars

-a gravity-defying bra to lift those puppies back up where they belong

Sign me up for that mailing list.

This week in books, television, and movies

2011-07-13T17:17:00.002-05:00

1. BOOKS

We are still making our weekly trips to the public library, and the kids are racking up their reading points.

I just finished the most amazing book called, ‘Partitions’ by Amit Majmudar. It is his debut novel, and it is about the 1947 partition of India and Pakistan. It is absolutely stunning. The prose has such a lyrical, authentic quality. It is less about the historical aspect, and more about the humanity.

Anyway, I cannot recommend it enough.

2. TELEVISION

... something I’ve absolutely had enough of: “The Trial and its Aftermath”. Yeah, you know to what I’m referring. I admit, I did watch parts of the trial (Phil would use the word ‘obsessively’, but then again, he watches weird things on SYFY, so there’s no accounting for his television viewing), but now that it is over… IT’S OVER, PEOPLE!!

Were we all unhappy with the outcome? I’d say, at least, oh, about 93% of the U.S. population felt that it was an absolutely shocking acquittal, but does that mean that more than a week since it ended, CNN Headline News still needs to be hijacked by constant coverage of the trial, post-trial, interviews with jurors, and Nancy Grace’s shrill diatribes?

Can I just get the news now, please?!? I really don’t care to turn on the news and hear a family therapist break down the toxic relationship between Cindy and Casey Anthony, or listen to a team of hair & make-up stylists describing how they would alter Casey Anthony’s appearance to help her maintain her anonymity once she’s out of prison.

I've heard there are other things going on in the world, that are not restricted to a courthouse in Orlando??

3. MOVIES

In addition to books, and audiobooks, we’ve been checking a lot of DVD’s out of the library. Some have been hits and some have been disastrous misses.

Hit: Disney’s ‘Swiss Family Robinson’… we watched it last week for pizza and movie night, and the kids were completely enamored. I had never seen it, but I’ve been to the tree-house and Disneyworld and now I ‘get’ it. They loved watching it the first time, and the 2nd and 3rd. I do have to say, though, that it is a LOOOONG movie. Kids in the olden days must have had longer attention spans because this movie was well over 2 hours.

I was beginning to think those pirates would never abandon that island!

Definite Miss: ‘Coraline’… the kids watched it, and when it was over, they put the DVD back in the case, and put it back in the library bag. And then proceeded to put the library bag in the car.

All 3 reported that they never wanted to see it again, and that it needed to be taken back to the library ASAP. They all agreed to never speak of it again.

Why? Oh, I don’t know… it might have a little something to do with the fact that it is a movie about a little girl who visits the ‘Other World’, but tries to escape because she doesn’t want buttons sewn onto her eyes, like all of the other ghost children. Her parents are kidnapped, and she has to sever the hand of the ‘Other Mother’ to save her parents and the eyes of the ghost children.

I swear to you… I had no idea. And yes, it *is* a children’s movie. A creepy, nightmare-inducing children’s movie.

The up side?

They don’t ever complain that they are ‘bored’ anymore... especially since I bought my own copy of the movie, and offer to let them watch it if they can’t find anything else to do. ;)

"Good God, man! You almost got The Cheese Touch!"

2011-07-08T13:38:00.006-05:00

Yummy, right? Just what every kid wants for their birthday... a slice of moldy cheese.

Well, for a certain 'Diary of Wimpy Kid' super-fan, it was a little slice of 'AWESOME-NESS'.

Technically, it was a 'Diary of Wimpy Kid' party by default. I was left scrounging for party invitation ideas when my husband deemed the 'oh-so freakin adorable' robot invitations I had made as, "um... a little baby-ish for a 9 year old, doncha' think?"

Dammit. It was true, I guess. Somehow, when I wasn't looking, my kids started doing the most obnoxious thing... growing up.

Anyway, the invitations were Wimpy Kid (and they, too, were 'oh-so freakin awesome', and adorable in their own right. *sigh), and the cake was just the perfect thing to fit this new party theme. (And we all KNOW how much I love my party themes, am I right?!?)

I took it to Austin's Park and Pizza for his party, and I finally ended up covering the cellophane window on the cake box with napkins.

People would walk past the table, peer over, and do a serious double-take. I can only imagine what they were thinking... "What in the hell did that kid do to deserve THAT??"

But it was a hit with the birthday boy, and his friends, and they all ate HUGE chunks of the cake, even though they initially expressed concern about whether they should it with their fingers crossed (that keeps you from getting The Cheese Touch, you see?)

I think the boys' favorite part of the cake experience, though?

All those jokes after the candles were blown out, and wishes were made...

"Mrs. Linson, did you just cut the cheese??!"

Gotta love nine year old boys ;)

Loving summertime lists!

2011-06-16T18:53:00.004-05:00

Things I am loving right now about summertime

1. The public library… trips to the public library, that is. Taking the kids to the library has always been a bit of an adventure, but now that they’re getting a little older, it’s definitely easier.

No toddlers wandering around, pulling books off of any shelf they can reach, no emergency diaper changes in the tiny bathroom (without a changing table, of course), and now my book bag is significantly lighter with a few chapter books for each kid, instead of 42 picture books for each visit.

2. The racquetball court at our community center.

Not that I’ve suddenly taken up a mean game of racquetball, but we’ve discovered that the court makes a perfect twirling practice studio. High ceilings, wood floors, relatively sound proof… it has made getting ready for the state competition next weekend that much easier.

And now that she is doing more complicated tricks and tosses, I don’t have to worry about flying batons in my front entryway, or the big window over the front door. ;)

3. Teaching the kids how to cook some basics. So far this week, we’ve had spaghetti, grilled cheese, and enchilada casserole.

And lots of brownies. What can I say? They like to bake brownies.

Things I don’t miss this summer

1. Homework.

2. Packing lunches. Oh, I still feed everyone at lunchtime (well, USUALLY), I just don’t have to use annoying little sandwich bags.

3. Swim team. Yes, I’m a lazy mom and I didn’t sign the kids up for the Marlins this summer. I admit that last summer I was overwhelmed and grouchy with all those practices by the time the season was finished. 3 kids… 3 different practices… EVERYDAY. But in my defense, when I mentioned to the kids that we might not do swim team this summer, their response was something along the lines of…

“Eh. Okay.”

And I was all like, “SERIOUSLY?? I KILLED myself in the hot sun last summer for nothing???!”

4. Definitely don’t miss… the 28.8 pounds I’ve lost. :) (Sorry… just had to get that in there…Hot diggity!)

Of course, if the kids don't learn to make anything other than brownies, I might have a different story to tell.

Why I love my new oven:

2011-06-06T14:11:00.004-05:00

1. I love my new oven because unlike most everything else in my almost 20 year old house, it is actually NEW, and the former owners didn’t have a chance to muck it up or jerry-rig the stupid thing.

2. I love my new oven because it is a miracle of cleanliness. It was a huge pain to go through a few weeks without any oven at all, but the flip side of that is that I didn’t have to clean the old one. I highly recommend this technique for cleaning your own oven.

3. It has BUTTONS, people! Not old-fashioned knobs like the previous one… PUSH BUTTONS! We’re feeling so affluent around here, we’re gonna cook up some Cornish game hens.

(“That way everyone gets their own little baby chicken on their own little baby plate…oh, and an endive salad. No, it’s absolutely pronounced ‘ahn-deev…”
Holla! I LOVE that commercial ;)

4. It has a ‘Delay start’. I’ve been told by a dear friend that that is a wondrous thing. Now I just have to figure out how to use it.

5. The clock/ timer on it actually works. No more flashing ‘00:00’… or for that matter, no more black electrician’s tape covering up the flashing light! (Hello? Have we met? I’m the Queen of Making Do! ;)

So feel free to come and spend the night again! You can stay in the family room, and you don’t even have to bring your sleep mask.

6. I love my new oven because I can finally cook and bake again!

Well, I mean, I haven’t actually done that yet… but I *could*. And I will.

Just as soon as I find tiny cans of Budweiser to make ‘Beer in the Butt Cornish Game Hens'. ;)

Summertime... Day #1

2011-05-31T17:12:00.001-05:00

Things I have heard myself say so far today:

1. No, it does not have his germs in it. See how it fizzes? It’s Sprite, and that fizziness means its getting rid of the germs.

2. Why don’t we all read a nice book? No?

3. We’ll go to the pool tomorrow.

4. I’d sooner take a hammer to it than listen to you nag about the Wii all summer long!

5. We’ll go to the pool in the morning.

6. No, not this morning… tomorrow.

7. TOMORROW MORNING.

8. Time to turn off the T.V.

9. Tell Nema and G-Dad thank you for lunch. And for the ice cream.

10. Well, no wonder you feel sick to your stomach… you ate a ton of lunch, and then topped it off with a dipped cone at Dairy Queen. (Um, yeah… thanks, Nema & G-Dad! ;)

11. We’ll swim TOMORROW.

12. Yes, tomorrow morning.

13. Seriously, do NOT ask about the Wii again.

14. How soon until school starts?!!

The Wait is Over!

2011-05-27T16:47:00.006-05:00

This year’s ‘last day of school cake’ was made under special circumstances. ‘Special Circumstances' happens to be code for ‘my oven is broken all to hell and I’ve been waiting for almost 3 weeks for the warranty company to decide if they will be

1. replacing the unit.

2. replacing the thermostat … or

3. agreeing with me that it’s too frickin’ hot to cook anyway, so we’ll just re-visit the issue come November.

It’s just easier to say ‘special circumstances’.

Oh, and I’ll just say, you don’t realize how often you use your oven until you DO NOT HAVE AN OVEN. And then? Well then, it’s every damn day. Microwaved frozen pizza is just not cutting it.

So, with that in mind, I needed to make a cake that didn’t actually require any baking. I considered going and buying a sheet cake and decorating it myself. I considered borrowing a friend’s oven.

I considered just skipping the entire thing this ‘last day of school’. Imagine how well that idea went over around here.

Ice cream sandwich cake to the rescue!

Have you ever made one of these? Super simple, super yummy, and super high-calorie (hey… I sweated enough at the park today to earn it ;)

Step 1: Layer 4 ice cream sandwiches on a sheet of aluminum foil. And use BlueBell ice cream sandwiches. Trying to get by with anything else is positively ‘un-Texan’… seriously.

Step 2: Top with a layer of Cool Whip mixed with hot fudge and crushed Oreos. (And don’t ask me how many Weight Watcher’s points value that is.)

Step 3: Layer another 4 sandwiches, top with another layer of the Cool Whip mixture. Top with 4 more sandwiches….

Step 4: Frost the entire thing with plain Cool Whip (or in our case, Cool Whip tinted blue... and in our case, missing some Cool Whip in spots. Whatevs.)

Step 5: Cover with foil and freeze for at least 4 hours. Cut into slices and serve.

Since I was unable to have it out of the freezer very long to get all cutesy and adorable with my mad skillz, I had to get creative with cardstock and toothpicks.

It’s not my finest effort, but what can I say? In the end, it was made with love for a tradition, with relief that the year is over, and under duress of a non-working appliance.

And the kids?? Well, the kids loved it, thought it was cool, and can’t wait to chow down on it… and those are some pretty ‘special circumstances’ too.

Happy Last Day of School, everyone!

Just in case you weren't sure what to stock up on for summer...

2011-05-19T17:31:00.003-05:00

From guest blogger, Josie
Reprinted from her article published in the 4th grade school newspaper...

"Say Hello to the new trend of the month:

HOT PINK on EVERYTHING

by Josie (a.k.a, Josie BIEBER)

New symbols on T-shirts include Justin Bieber, flowers, peace signs, and PUPPIES!!!! Black is the new pink. Arepostale is a fave t-shirt company 2 look 4.

Show some spirit with team roster tees (ex. Longhorns, Cornhuskers, Buffaloes, and Aggies)! Girls can wear them too, but let's add some glam with a sequined headband and some beaded bracelets. POOF!!! YOu're the star of the show!! Very eye-catching!

If you have BIEBER FEVER, t-shirts supoorting him rock. Bieber necklaces are sooo C-U-T-E to wear 2 the mall, girlz-nite out, and SCHOOL!!! Alright, enough about him, back 2 business.

Dangle earrings r awesome!! Mood rings can make u look cute too. 4 example, I wear mine on my thumb.

The fashion isn't about matching anymore. Show your style and don't ever b afraid 2 express yourself!!"

---Did everyone get that? Here's a recap...Black is the new pink, get yourself a Justin Bieber t-shirt or necklace, and if you have a mood ring, you too can be C-U-T-E!!

Like, duh! ;)

I will never run a marathon.

2011-05-18T15:47:00.002-05:00

I have never run a marathon.

I don't intend to, either.

But these last few months has felt a little like a really, reeealllyy long race. It started off really well, and then I was just plugging along, trying to do all the right things, and here lately, I've been struggling a little bit, tired of the race, and ready to just get to the finish line, already.

This is how I imagine it must be for a marathoner. Unless, of course, *I* happened to be the one running the marathon, and then it would involve a lot of throwing up, crying, and swearing that my shoes are tied too tightly, and the sun is in my eyes, and that I have to stop and go potty, and THAT'S the reason I'm throwing up and crying... after, um, only a mile and a half. ;)

I know I could never run 26.2 miles, but today I relished in the journey that I HAVE been on. And when I went to my Weight Watcher's meeting today, and stepped on the scale, I saw that my grand total of weight I've lost is 26.2 pounds. Coincidence? Irony? I don't know, but I felt like it was a victory in a different way.

So, 26.2 pounds. And I know, compared to some people that is not a whole lot. For me, it's huge. Sometimes its been hard, and sometimes its been boring, and sometimes? Well, sometimes, its just a giant pain in the @$$.

But it's proving to be worth it. Because not only do I not instantly despise every picture that someone takes of me, but I feel better. And I'm healthier. And as the child of a father that died at 41 years of age due to a massive heart attack... getting healthy should be my number one priority.

And not just looking good in my jeans. But I won't say that it's not a huge bonus.

I want to be around for a long time for my kids and my husband, and get to experience, as a parent, all the things that my Dad had to miss.

Because life *is* a marathon... not a sprint. And I can do it, even when the sun is shining in my eyes, and my shoes are too tight, and I just want to stop and cry.

I will never run a marathon.

But today I felt like I'd come pretty close. :)

Do you want fries with that?

2011-05-13T16:31:00.009-05:00

Yesterday my boy brought me a special surprise. Something he had made in art class, and I have to say I was pretty impressed.

A take-out box, complete with hand rolled paper chopsticks, and lettered on the sides (with Japanese characters? Chinese? My apologies right now for being such a philistine that I don’t know the difference.)

And when you open the box…

Sushi!

Made from strips of construction paper, and tied with string.

Isn’t that just the coolest? I wonder what gave him the idea? I wonder why, of all things, he selected that particular food to hand-craft?

I wonder….

...if his art teacher has figured out that we don’t actually eat much sushi around here? ;)

As the worm turns...

2011-05-12T08:49:00.000-05:00

This morning I went to wake up my children for school, and in my best effort to not appear to growl at them in my just-awoken state, I sing-songed, “Get out of beeeeed!!!”

And just like that, I was screwed for the rest of the day.

Not because they grumbled and growled (they come by it honestly) about not wanting to get up. That’s an everyday occurrence. And not because being in their bedrooms enlightens me as to how much they need to pick up the Legos, American Girl doll clothes, and Barbies (another everyday occurrence.)

I’m screwed because now I have the theme song for "PeeWee’s Playhouse" stuck in my head.

The second I sang out, “Get out of beeeeed,” the song jumped, unbidden, unwanted, into my brain, and I’ve been unable to shake it loose since.

And I’m not in the habit of watching "PeeWee’s Playhouse" (anymore), so while I can’t seem to stop replaying the song in my head, it’s just bits and pieces on a loop, with lots of muffled la-las for the words I have no hope of remembering.

“Get out of beeeed…there’ll be no more nappin’! (Wake u-up!)
It’s a la la la la la where anything can happen!
It’s a la la la la la…
It’s gonna be that kind of morning.
For getting wacky…
For blah blah blah blah
Getting cuckooooooo
AT PEEWEE’S PLAAAAYHOOOOUSE!!!”

Ba-dum-bum.

So, I’ve been struck with the dreaded ‘earworm’.

It has always surprised me that this phenomenon has a name, and a downright creepy one, at that.

From the Discovery Health Website…

“Why do songs get inextricably stuck in our heads? Experts say the culprits are earworms (or "ohrwurms," as they're called in Germany). No, they're not parasites that crawl into your ear and lay musical eggs in your brain, but they are parasitic in the sense that they get lodged in your head and cause a sort of "cognitive itch" or "brain itch" -- a need for the brain to fill in the gaps in a song's rhythm.”

And the article goes on to mention that unfortunately, there's no tried and true way to get songs out of your head once they're stuck in there. They can stick in your brain for anywhere from a few minutes to several days. But here were some suggestions that they offered up if you (or I!) were on the verge of insanity:

1. Sing another song, or play another melody on an instrument. (Guess I could use my fourth-grader’s spit-filled recorder.)

2. Switch to an activity that keeps you busy, such as working out, or doing housework. (‘Discovery Health sponsored by Clorox’...No thanks!)

3. Listen to the song all the way through.

(I did finally do this… went to YouTube and watched the show’s opening credits. And I saw all my old friends… Chairy, Pterry, Jambi, and Clocky!

Um… not that I used to WATCH it, or anything.
Uh, I mean it was always on in the background on, uh, Saturday mornings. I didn’t WATCH it…I was a teenager, after all, with, uh, WAY more important things to do than watch a Saturday morning cartoon. Geez. ;)

4. Turn on the radio or a CD to get your brain tuned in to another song.

5. Picture the earworm as a real creature crawling out of your head, and imagine stomping on it. (Um… ick?)

6. Share the song with a friend. (Soooo… you’re welcome.)

Discovery Health was kind enough to reassure me that nothing is inherently wrong with me. It is perfectly natural to have a catchy jingle stuck in your head.

And the fact that it’s been over twenty years since that show has even been on television, and probably equally as long since I’ve heard the theme song??

Just a b*tch of a brain itch, I guess.

Wednesday's Woes

2011-05-04T17:04:00.002-05:00

Okay, not really ‘woes’… whines?

Let’s be honest, I guess I’m whining. Because this is something that I’m hating right now.

Technology.

More specifically, technology that is geared toward children. And the fact that sometimes it seems that I am the only mother on the planet that cringes and finds it reprehensible for a child to sit through dinner at a restaurant, with nary a glance at anyone else at the table,as they are far too busy playing with all of the games on their iPod Touch. I guess they come by it honestly, though, because their parents are usually doing the very same thing with their iPhones.

Call me old-fashioned… call me cheap… call me whatever you will, but I am sick and tired of kids being little adults with all their gadgets and gizmos, and cell phones and texting. We are raising a world of people who don’t know how to interact with other people without a screen between them and can’t relate to the proper way to carry on a conversation.

These kids are growing up way too fast anyway, and I get all 'in my day...' every time I see kids at the park, texting with their friends (who happen to be standing right next to them), or every time one of my children has come home from a playdate saying that “So-and-so just wanted to play Xbox, and only wanted to play games that were rated ‘M’, so I came home.” Darn little ‘So-and-So’ and his permissive parents. ;)

I’m not saying we need to un-plug completely, people (trust me, I love my computer, too, and I’m pushing for a new Smartphone… I NEED one!) But can we maybe just un-plug a *little* bit? On occasion?

And sit at a dinner table with our family. And maybe make eye contact every now and then. Or play a game. Or have a conversation.

I’m not, by any means, saying that I’m doing this mommyhood mixed with technology thing the exact right way. I don’t know the right way. I’m not ‘anti-technology’ or ‘anti-progress’. We have a Wii… my kids have DS’s (the ‘really, really old kind’ they will grumble. ;) We have a computer and a couple of T.V.’s.

We also have a dinnertime that is uninterrupted by television or computer. We have a computer in our kitchen that my children must ask permission to use. I have a pre-teen daughter that writes her music requests down so that I can screen her selections before putting them on her iPod. We have limited game time, and the current rule in our house is... 'Only people with college degrees have cell phones'. Hey it works for us. ;)

All I’m saying is that it’s awfully hard sometimes to swim against the current. The current that pushes for the NEXT BIG THING, and the new piece of “fabulous technology that will keep you connected like never before!!”

I know this isn’t anything new, as a parent. It's only the arena that's new. Parents for generations have struggled with the right things to do for their kids, teaching them that while it’s easier to go along with the crowd, it’s not always the right thing to do. I get that.

Trust me, it gets very tiring to be the mom that “usually says ‘no’, occasionally says ‘maybe’, and rarely says ‘yes’”.

And I can only hope that my children will be the better for it.

Brace yourselves, people...

2011-04-28T20:57:00.002-05:00

1. Went to Weight Watchers yesterday and I’m down 23 pounds… so, like, total ‘yay’ for me. This is the skinniest I’ve been since back before I got pregnant with Davis… so, like, total ‘double yay’.

2. Clearly all that smoking is paying off.

3. Kidding.

4. And with my re-discovered ‘pre-pregnancy self’, I thought I’d finally garnered the courage to share some of my pregnancy photos with you.

5. Don’t forget, though, that I gained a LOT of weight with each of my children.

6. So here goes… (oh, and you were warned).

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

Gotcha!!!

Are your eyes bleeding??!? Because mine are.

WHO THE #*&$% DOES THIS??

Found this on Awkward Family Photos (truly, truly awkward)… 'The Circle of Life'...and I was stunned. And disturbed.

And you know me, I can’t go this alone once I’m stunned and disturbed.

So… you’re welcome. ;)

Can someone please do the world a favor?

2011-04-27T13:23:00.001-05:00

And shut Donald Trump up. This guy is ridiculous. Successful in real estate? Yes. Master of the bad hair-do? Absolutely.

A total farce? Um… yeah.

I know he’s smart. I know he’s insanely wealthy, and could buy and sell little old me about a 100 billion times over. But that doesn’t mean he has any integrity.

Now he’s claiming ‘responsibility’ for the government releasing the President’s birth certificate. He’s done what “no one else has been able to do”. What a douche.

And don’t even get me started on the so-called ‘Birthers’. I personally think if you are enough of a slack-jawed idiot to believe that the President was not born in the United States, and that there is some huge conspiracy to conceal that he was born elsewhere… well, I think you should potentially have your right to vote revoked, anyway.

Hey, here’s a newsflash… Hawaii is not the only state that issues the ‘Certificate of Live Birth’ (short version) as valid documentation in place of the longer birth certificate (which is kept as a vital record at the state level).

Texas does, indeed, issue a ‘Birth Certificate’ (long form), but Colorado? I checked my two oldest kids’ certificates which were issued by the state of Colorado, and they were actually the short form listed as a ‘Certification of Vital Record’.

Nowhere on these documents are the words “Birth Certificate”.

What a pity. Guess that means that they weren’t actually born in the United States of America.

And that if they ever attempt to run for President, they will have to pander to the lowest common denominator.

If this van is rockin'...

2011-04-25T20:23:00.002-05:00

...don't come a-knockin'!

I will already be knocking... my head against the steering wheel, that is.

My three children have discovered a nifty (and by 'nifty', I mean to say, 'annoying as hell') trick to do while we're waiting at a stoplight.

If they rock side to side in their seats, AT THE SAME TIME, and IN THE SAME DIRECTION...

they can get the van to rock back and forth at a pretty good clip.

Which is totally what people expect to see from a mini-van with Disneyworld license plates, am I right?

Happy Easter!

2011-04-22T15:42:00.003-05:00

Hope you all have a wonderful weekend, and a blessed Easter Sunday.

Sending love to your family from our little 'Peeps' :)

Spared no expense.

2011-04-20T08:00:00.004-05:00

True confession time… I LOVE the movie, Jurassic Park. Love it. Just the original, though. Not the subsequent ones. (a little too much Jeff Goldblum in those… 'that's the essence of chaos theory'.)

I know it practically word for word, primarily because Phil and I used to watch it at least three times a week. It was one of the few movies that we never tired of. And since I know you’re just dying to know what the other ones were: Twister, Blazing Saddles, and Better Off Dead. And now aren't you just so impressed with our sophisticated movie palates?

In our defense, our movie-watching runs the gamut… or at least it DID, back when we didn’t have to pay $12 per movie ticket, $25 for popcorn and soda, and $50 for a babysitter, just to see ONE of the Oscar nominees. But Jurassic Park and the others are like the ‘bubble gum pop’ of movies. Catchy and kitschy, and perfect for background noise while folding clothes, or doing some other dreary chore.

And now? All three of our children are bona fide Jurassic Junkies, too. I wasn’t sure if they were too young to see it, but it became a moot point one Saturday afternoon when they saw part of it on basic cable while I was out running some errands. Clearly only one half of the parenting team had concerns about the potential of the children being traumatized by giant, man-eating dinosaurs.

And when I mentioned that we used to watch that movie all the time, the kids BEGGED us to be allowed to see the entire thing, too.

And true confession time… since I felt like the Compsognathus was already out of the bag (small dinosaur… cat-size), it was ME that went searching through old boxes in the closet to find the VHS tape, so that they could watch it for Pizza and Movie Night.

The result?

They are definitely our offspring because not only do they love it, watch it every chance they get, and rewind their favorite parts over and over, but they also quote it to each other incessantly as part of our ‘movie quote-along’ that we frequently play at dinnertime.

Just a few of our faves…

Mine: “Yeah, but John, if Pirates of the Caribbean breaks down, the pirates don’t eat the tourists!”

Phil’s: “Dodgson! Dodgson! We have Dodgson here! Nobody cares.”

The kids love to wait until we’re on a day trip in the car for this one:
‘Well… we’re back… in the car again.”

And of course, everyone's favorite: ‘WHERE’S THE GOAT?!?! ’
(This one happens to be especially funny when standing in the meat department at H.E.B.)

However today, I did have a brief pause... Is this movie too violent? Too graphic?

You be the judge… when I walked into my boy's room today, l discovered this on his desk, with a little hand-lettered sign that said, “Welcome to Jurassic Park!”

Wow. The soldiers armed and at the ready? The dinosaur?

Who happens to be making a quick snack out of the driver of the Jeep?!!

Part of me wondered if I should be disturbed by this little tableau…

But true confession time?

I think it's totally freaking awesome.

Multi-tasking is critical to… wait, is that the phone?

2011-04-13T16:43:00.002-05:00

I heard the results of an interesting study yesterday… it basically said that the older you get, the harder it is to multi-task. I have to say I am finding that to be more and more true.

I remember back in the day, (back before I was one clock stroke away from turning FORTY ;) I could cook a healthy dinner of macaroni and cheese, sliced hot dogs, and canned green beans, all while shoving the pile of dirty clothes over on the other side of the couch so that I could nurse the baby, read yet another train book to a two year old, and rewind ‘Baby Galileo’ for my 4 year old.

It was a necessity to be able to multi-task back then, but now? With all the kids in school, and all the extra time (hah!) I have on my hands, I can easily find myself wandering from one task to the next. Some days I feel like I’m living in the book, “If You Give a Mouse a Cookie”.

If you give a mom a cookie, she will remember that she needs to bake 4 dozen more for the bake sale.

When she goes to bake the cookies, she will realize that she needs to find a new recipe that does not include baking soda because the last time she went to Target to buy it, she got distracted by the shiny ‘Clearance ‘signs.

When she tries to look up a recipe on-line, she will remember that she needs to send an email to the class about the teacher’s birthday gift, since in a fit of giddiness about the kids starting back to school last August, she signed up to be room mother.

When she’s checking her email, the buzzer on the dryer will go off. When she takes the clean clothes out of the dryer, she will realize that most of the dish towels have holes in them (sadly, it’s true.)

So she will head to the kitchen to jot down ‘Buy NEW dish towels’ on the to-do list on the refrigerator.

When she is at the refrigerator, gazing at the multitude of school notes, lists, permission slips, and spelling lists stuck underneath brightly colored magnets, she will realize…

That the #$!@* bake sale was last week.

And that she wants another cookie.

Things I do that make my husband crazy...

2011-04-11T07:56:00.002-05:00

1. When I load the dishwasher. Or should I say, when I *attempt* to load the dishwasher. Evidently I’m not very good at it.

In my mind, a dishwasher is supposed to actually WASH dishes. Phil insists that every dish must be hand-washed prior to being washed in the dishwasher. WHAAAT???

So he is and has been on all dish duty in our home for the last, oh about, 14 years. It works for us.

2. When I don’t put gas in the car when the warning light comes on, and instead I drive home and park in the garage. In my defense, I always plan to get gas FIRST THING when I leave again. Is it my fault that without fail, he is always the next one to drive that vehicle??

What can I say? It's a system that works for us. Okay, admittedly it works a little better for me.

3. When I go on an evening walk with a friend, and shortly after, bust @$$ back inside, yelling at him to grab the keys because I’ve found an armoire that one of our neighbors has put out with a ‘FREE~ TAKE ME!’ sign on it.

I know, right?!? I decided on the spot that I needed it for the playroom. And it was free.

Plus? I couldn’t lift the stupid thing all by myself without worrying about busting a gut (literally… I had hernia surgery less than 6 months ago.)

4. Some of my television choices. Namely… my obsession with the show, ‘Sister Wives’ on TLC.

I can’t help it. I am completely and utterly fascinated with this show (otherwise known as ‘The Real Housewives of Utah ;) And yes, I am aware that most Mormons are not actually polygamists, and that this family is the exception to the rule.

I have told Phil we should consider getting ourselves one of those ‘sister wives’. Maybe one that knows how to properly load the dishwasher and put gas in the mini-van.

Oh, and doesn’t mind a little heavy-lifting. ;)

Happy, happy, joy, joy!

2011-04-05T08:47:00.007-05:00

Things that make me happy:

1. Hearing "One Shining Moment" sung by Mr. Luther Vandross. Evidently Jennifer Hudson was a little busy being Weight Watchers' newest spokesperson. Which was just FINE with this basketball non-superfan. I think we've established by now that I only tune in to the championship game for the post-game highlight reel. And that song... which in my heart, is second only to the Star Spangled Banner.

2. A weekend with absolutely NOTHING going on... a weekend of sleeping late, eating out, going on bike rides, and taking naps (notice how two of my personal highlights have to do with SLEEPING??) Of course, maybe I just *think* that makes me happy, because honestly? I can't remember weekends like that anymore, and I can't even tell you the last time we had a weekend where we had nothing on the agenda.

3. Speaking of busy weekends, and things that make me happy? Watching my girls at their baton competitions. Well, maybe I'm not being entirely truthful... it makes me happy watching my girls get awards at their twirling competitions. Actually WATCHING them while they compete is enough to give me an ulcer, and fingernails bitten to the quick. It STRESSES me out! (Phil calls me a 'stage mom', but don't you dare call me that or I will hit you with my 'Twirler Mom' clipboard, and spray you straight in the eye with my blinged-out can of Aqua-Net.)

p.s. This weekend's competition? Awesome :)

4. New highlights! Thanks, Rogilyn.

5. Blogging... I really should get back to doing this more than once a week!

Deadly Cobra... and I'm not talking about insurance.

2011-03-28T11:19:00.005-05:00

Well, I’m sure you’ve heard by now about the deadly Egyptian cobra that has gone missing from the Bronx zoo.

And even though I live 1744.32 miles away from the Bronx Zoo (Google Maps don’t lie, people), I still have the heebie-jeebies.

Don’t know much about the Egyptian cobra? Um, what ELSE do you need to know besides the word ‘cobra’?? Well this was in the article on CNN: ‘The Egyptian cobra is most commonly found in North Africa. Its venom is so deadly, it can kill a full-grown elephant in three hours -- or a person in about 15 minutes, according to wildlife experts. The venom destroys nerve tissue and causes paralysis and death due to respiratory failure.’

I feel paralyzed and short of breath just thinking about it.

I mean, seriously??! And guess what? They didn’t even close the Bronx zoo until they found the thing. They closed the reptile house until further notice, but according to the article, “Zoo officials said they are confident the 20-inch-long snake is contained in a nonpublic, isolated area of the building.”

You would have to be pretty damn ‘confident’ in order to get me anywhere near that zoo until the snake is captured.

I don’t know if it’s completely apparent, but I have an aversion to snakes. But at least this time I have an excuse (other than that I’m just crazy)…

When we were in college, Phil was living with some of his fraternity brothers in a house on West Campus. A couple of the guys had snakes (what was up with that??) that they kept in glass cages/ enclosure things. When it was ‘feeding time’, they would put them on the floor and feed them dead rats, and it was quite the show. We’d all gather around and watch. Well, one of the snakes? It got lost. And when I say ‘lost’, I mean… IT GOT OUT OF ITS ENCLOSURE! So, um hello?? It happens.

Anyway, it went AWOL. The missing snake was named Angus, and we all mourned his apparent passing/ escape.

Several months went by, and shortly before Phil was scheduled to move out, we were heading out to dinner. He’d had to work in the afternoon, so he decided to take a quick shower before we went out. You see where this is going, right?

So he hopped in the shower, and I heard him yell…

…for me to grab a towel for him out of the hall closet.

Mmhmm. NOW you see where this is going…

I opened the closet door, grabbed a towel off of the middle shelf, and sitting at the back of the same shelf, within arm’s reach, was… Angus. (of course. You saw that coming, right? Yeah, I didn’t.)

We all rejoiced at his return. And when I say ‘rejoiced’, I mean to say, I screamed as loudly as I could, slammed the closet door, and ran to stand on a desk chair in the middle of Phil’s room until the snake could be captured. I’m pretty sure I kept screaming. And I’m pretty sure someone else got Phil the towel he needed.

It was bound to happen I guess. If the staff at a professional zoo can’t keep a cobra from escaping, what are the odds that a bunch of drunken frat boys can keep their snakes in their cages? (Oh, let’s not even GO there. ;)

So trust me when I say that there is a good likelihood that I will never again step foot inside of a reptile habitat at any zoo. Mostly because I have always suspected that it could happen, and this absolutely confirms it beyond a shadow of a doubt. A snake can and DID escape. Who knows how often this happens?? All those empty cases that you see when you go to the zoo’s reptile house that are labeled with the little signs… “EXHIBIT CLOSED WHILE WE AWAIT OUR NEW ARRIVAL”…

or “THIS EXHIBIT IS UNDER CONSTRUCTION” might as well just say,

"HOLY CRAP… CHECK UNDER YOUR FEET FOR ANY ROGUE REPTILES.”

Or better yet…

"WHATEVER YOU DO… DON’T. LOOK. DOWN."

Six For Saturday!!

2011-03-26T12:57:00.002-05:00

1. Six?? It’s the least I can do. I feel like I owe you guys for my absence this last month. There has been a gaping void felt around the entire blogging community, and it’s all my fault.

Well, maybe I’m overstating it a bit.

2. This morning for breakfast, Davis ate a piece of leftover stuffed pizza, three pancakes with butter and syrup, three pieces of bacon, a fried egg, and a glass of milk.

I just thought that was interesting. And indigestion-worthy. If he's eating like this at 8 years old, I can't even fathom our grocery bill when he hits his teenage years.

3. This week, Josie got contacts. A few things to keep in mind…

--a.) She has worn glasses for three years now, and has never ONCE complained about them.

--b.) She looks adorable in her glasses… and

--c.) The contacts were a necessity just to be worn for twirling practice and performances, as it is next to impossible to do two-turns with glasses perched on your nose.

Anyway, after wearing them for a day, she made the announcement that she LOVES them, and plans to wear them all the time, in lieu of glasses. The optometrist recommended that she should wear them for short amounts of time at first, as she gets used to them. I let her wear them to school yesterday with the stipulation that I would come up at lunchtime so she could take them out, and put her glasses on.

So when I got to school around noon, I was greeted with this…

Josie: “Moooom! Why do I have to take them off?? I’m supposed to put my *glasses* back on now??”

(Remember… NEVER has she complained about wearing glasses. In two days, they have become equivalent to getting a root canal, or wearing an “I Love Barney” t-shirt to a junior high dance.)

Me: “Just for the afternoon. Starting next week, you can wear them all day at school, since you’ll be more used to them.”

Josie: “But all my friends haven’t seen me in my contacts yet! What if they want to see how I look in my contacts?!”

Me: “Um… I guess you could take your glasses off for a minute to show them? ‘Hey friends, THIS is how I look in contacts’!”

Josie: “So not funny.”

4. I have lost 18 pounds on Weight Watchers so far (yay me!) As a result, I am TOTALLY ready for swimsuit season to be upon us!

Well, maybe I’m overstating it a bit. ;)

5. As you know from my previous posts, March was not a great month on Planet Linson. To make up for the 18 pound weight loss, I guess, I needed another weight added to me… which came in the form of Phil coming home from work and announcing that his company was going through an internal purchase, and that in light of that, he would be looking for a new job, effective at the end of the month (this is the redacted, PC version.)

“*Gasp! What?? Oh my God!” Yeah. Tell me about it.

So this month, in lieu of blogging, I’ve been crying. And planning. And slashing our budget. And smiling for the sake of our kids. And praying. A lot.

And thanks be to God, he did get a new job… a better job… a job that we have high hopes for. And I have to admit that I am still crying, and planning, smiling and praying… but in a much better way.

I’m thankful that he was able to get a job so quickly, and had two good offers from which to choose. I know there are so many people going through similar things, who don’t get such good news so quickly. I am truly grateful for so many things. Grateful for our friends and family who have offered their help, their prayers, and just kind words when we needed them. Grateful for my wonderful husband who had such an amazing spirit and sense of calm through all of this.

6. I am now TOTALLY looking forward to April.

And I’m not overstating that one bit. :D

Little Dolls...

2011-03-17T20:34:00.005-05:00

So yesterday was a Girls Day Out. And when I say ‘girls’, I mean all of us… me, my mom, my sis-in-law, our four daughters, and four American Girl dolls.

We made the pilgrimage to the American Girl store in Dallas, and many thanks to Nema (my Momma) for treating our dolls to the salon service of EAR PIERCING!!

Seriously.

The dolls got their ears pierced in the ‘Salon’, and they each got earring sets. This is a far cry from the way I used to pierce MY own dolls’ and Barbies’ ears… with the straight pins from my mother’s pincushion. My own personal voodoo dolls.

But we had a wonderful time, and the girls had a blast picking out a little something for their American Girls, whether it was an outfit (Josie) or a stuffed pet dog (Libby). I tried to steer her toward all the cute clothes, but evidently her doll needed a pet Chocolate Lab puppy more than ANYTHING!

Me: “Look, honey! Here’s a ballet outfit!

Libby: “I want Chocolate Chip.”

Me: "Or a chef’s apron and hat… or a figure skater costume?”

Libby: “Chocolate Chip.”

Me: “Oh, and there’s a Chilean Miner outfit! Hardhat with light optional.”

(Okay, not really. They were sold out of those.)

Libby (at high volume): “There’s nothing else in this store for Libby except Chocolate Chip! Nothin’!”

*sigh.

But after we’d totaled our bills (which were itty-‘Bitty baby’ ~ha!~ bills compared to some of the people around us. Some folks are doing their part to revive the economy in one afternoon at the AG store, evidently), I was still left shaking my head and saying, ‘For doll clothes? Doll clothes?!!’

Which brought out my inner Martha. Oh yes, that b*tch is back, and last night, she was on a tear, in a pink-tinted, ‘We just paid $25 for a sundress for a doll’ haze.

So with pattern in hand, iced tea next to me (hey, it’s not diet Coke!), and my wise and knowledgeable Momma in the room with me to answer my multitude of questions, I made these…

No really, I did. The little dresses, the leggings, and the head scarves. *I* made them… all by myself!

I finished around midnight, fought the urge to wake up my girls so they could see their dolls in their new, ‘custom-made’ (you say ‘homemade’, I say ‘custom’… tomatoes, to-mah-toes) outfits, and sank into a post-creativity coma.

I just had to share with y'all. I just had to brag. I just had to toot my own horn, I guess.

Oh, and I just had to ask… does anyone happen to have a pattern for a Chilean Miner outfit for a doll?

Thanks in advance. ;)

Ode to my beverage of choice...

2011-03-14T17:40:00.001-05:00

It’s been two weeks since I looked at you.
Cocked my head to the side, and said, “I love you.”
Five days since Jack beckoned to me saying
"Get that together come back and see me"

Thirteen days since the drive-in lane
I know it’s an addiction… man, what a friggin’ pain.
Yesterday I still wanted you,
and I hope it’s just two days till I feel that I’m over you.

It helps if you sing it like you’re the Barenaked Ladies.

Two weeks since I’ve had a diet Coke. I made it through the first couple of days of horrific caffeine withdrawal. I lasted through the headaches. I survived the crankiness (my family, on the other hand, may have a different song to sing.) I KNOW that I was drinking way too much, and needed to cut it out.

The result??

I STILL want a diet Coke, every damn minute of every day.

I don’t think it’s the caffeine to which I’m addicted. I firmly believe it is the BUBBLES. I want bubbles. I crave BUBBLES. Nothing like that first sip of diet Coke, going down your throat, all cold and bubbly.

*sigh.

This WILL make me a healthier person, right?!!

Just check him out...

2011-03-13T10:30:00.006-05:00

My boy got glasses.

It was bound to happen. His sister has glasses. Both his parents started wearing glasses in elementary school. We are just a family of poor-sighted individuals.

He looks adorable in them, but if you see him, please don't use the word 'adorable'. He prefers 'handsome', or 'tough'. I, personally, can't get over how much he looks like Louis from the Disney movie, 'Meet the Robinsons'. See exhibit A...

First 'Dash' from the Incredibles, and now this.

Fortunately, he loves his glasses, and he is one of about 5 kids in his class to have them, so it's no biggie these days to have glasses. When I was a kid, I HATED my glasses, and refused to wear them. I would just ask to move closer to the front, and would explain that I had a hard time seeing the board because I was so SHORT. Hey, it worked. I finally got contacts in junior high, and have never worn glasses in public since.

On a a different note, things around here are still kinda crazy, hence the whole 'not blogging for 2 weeks' thing. I don't do 'change', y'all, and I'm struggling with things currently being in limbo, and not knowing what's going to happen. Some people might even have the nerve to call me a 'control freak'. To them, I say...

"Well, DUH!"

I'm trying very hard to put on a happy face, and get back to myself. Thanks all for your sweet thoughts.

Was he hiding his 'do under that famous hat??

2011-03-02T20:18:00.007-06:00

I think Libby might have a little crush. She's 'sweet' on a boy named Abe.

That's right. A groovy fellow by the name of Abe Lincoln.

President's Day in kindergarten brought a multitude of coloring sheets, mini-books, and art projects all focused around a few of our forefathers. Namely, Abe.

You may remember her love note from the computer lab...(which I posted on Facebook, but was feeling entirely too lazy to post it twice. So if you're not my friend on Facebook, do you SEE what you miss out on??)

And yet another 'Lincoln-centric' activity:

And what sage advice is our 16th President spouting? (Literally. She got a little 'glue-happy' with this one.)

Is it..."I will never be defeated."?

Nope.

How about...

"I will never break a law"?

Guess again.

Introducing--- A'bieber'ham Lincoln. ;)

I'm hoping the next couple of weeks are better.

2011-03-01T20:31:00.003-06:00

I have never gone this long without updating.

Even when we were on vacation.

Even when I was sick.

Even after I'd had surgery.

And I know people come here for a laugh. Okay, well sometimes they do ;)

And I just can't seem to muster up anything right now. I'm in a funk.

I'll get back to y'all.

"Come to Texas!" Okay, well maybe not YOU.

2011-02-10T13:57:00.006-06:00

Josie brought home a poster that she had designed for a class assignment. It was a poster to advertise the merits of Texas and to persuade people to come live here.

Me: "Why?"

Her: "Because that’s what we were supposed to do."

Me: "Sweetie, it's a GREAT poster... it's just that we don’t need more people in Texas. In fact there are a few people that are already here that should probably leave."

(Namely, ahem... a certain governor. Oh, and maybe he could take Tom Delay with him when he goes.)

Because I have to admit, if I didn’t already live here, I’d want to move to Texas after seeing this advertisement…

Isn't that just the damn truth?

I know what you're thinking, though... "If I moved to Texas, would I have a good life?"

You betcha.

(Even the W@l-Mart smiley face is promoting our great state...)

And if you're still undecided about whether Texas is the place for you...

I think the kid has a future in the ad business.

Sexy, no?

2011-02-09T15:33:00.005-06:00

Hi Honey.

In case you happen to be reading this, I just wanted to give you an idea for Valentine's Day.

As ridiculous as it may look, I really, REALLY want a pair of these...

It's called a 'Hoodie-Footie'. Fo reals, yo. Because it's footed jammies... with a HOOD!! It's from PajamaGram.

'Why' you ask?

Well, for starters, you'd never have to worry about my icy feet again. And I'll never have to be cold again... except that is, when I have to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. And, um... I have to completely disrobe. But whatever.

Bonus?? They're available for the bargain price of ONLY $100!

Oh, and throw in a Snuggie, and a pair of those nifty 'Pajama Jeans' while you're at it.

Now don't worry, babe. I have the PERFECT gift picked out for you for Valentine's Day, too!

Our Christmas card this year is going to be so special! ;)

Happy, happy day :)

2011-02-04T09:01:00.002-06:00

Our phone rang at 5:16 a.m. It was a recorded message from the school district that school had been cancelled due to inclement weather. Yay!

At 5:21 a.m., a certain little boy was next to our bed, saying, "Momma! Daddy! IT SNOWED!!!"

Phil: "We know, buddy... but it's early. Go back to bed."

Me: "Why is he up so early? Do you think the phone woke him up?"

Phil: "No. He just has a built-in 'Calvin-ometer'."

Happy Snow day, everyone! :)

Is it REALLY only Wednesday?

2011-02-02T17:43:00.002-06:00

1. The kids’ school district has decided to delay school by 2 hours in the morning, due to the cold weather, and the rolling blackouts. It’s an ‘energy conservation’ thing. For me, it’s a ‘stay in bed under the warm covers’ thing, but I can totally get behind the energy idea, too.

When I told Josie, she was pretty darn excited.

Until I told her it was ONLY for tomorrow, and not for the rest of her 4th grade year. Her enthusiasm was tempered just a bit.

2. How MUCH do I love my husband???

Love him!! Why, you ask? Besides the obvious reasons… (namely, that I think he is Sir Hotness, and well…he TOTALLY puts up with me)… today he booked a flight for my BFF in Colorado to come for a long weekend in June!! I’m super excited and giddy and grateful. :)

3. My boy mentioned that he wants to make a special valentine card for a girl in his class. When I asked him what is was that he liked about her, what made her the one to deserve such a special card?

His answer was… “She really likes to laugh.”

I love that. My sweet son already recognizes the importance of being with someone you can laugh with. That’s pretty high praise for a 3rd grade girl. In the future, I hope he’ll remember to look for that quality. We all deserve to have someone who will laugh at our jokes… And I want him to always have someone who ‘gets’ him and his kooky sense of humor. Or at least sometimes pretends to.

Kind of like I do with his Daddy.

P.S. Have I mentioned how much I love you, honey?? ;)

Two for Tuesday

2011-02-01T14:18:00.003-06:00

1. Today I went to my Weight Watcher’s meeting, and I’ve lost over 10 pounds!! So, yay me! Guess what I did to celebrate?? If you guessed ‘bought a new pair of jeans’ or ‘got a manicure’… well, you’d be wrong.

Actually, I went and got a cheeseburger from Wendy’s. But whatever. ;) (hey! Don't judge... besides, I'm eating an apple right now to atone for my sins.)

2. Here’s a picture that my kid drew… it totally cracked me up. Not as much the picture as her description of it.

Josie: "Momma, look what I drew..."

Me: "That is too funny! Look at how scared the marshmallow is, and how devious the graham cracker and chocolate look! You’re such a great artist."

Josie: "Well, I guess the graham cracker *does* look devious. But that chocolate bar? He’s downright crazy."

Songs that disturb me now that I have really listened to their lyrics…

2011-01-31T20:03:00.003-06:00

1. The song, “If You Like Pina Coladas” by Jimmy Buffett. Have you really LISTENED to this song? I mean, apart from the chorus?? I never had. I’d always just sing along when I heard it. Because really, who DOESN’T like pina coladas? Or getting caught in the rain? Well, as long as it’s a warm rain. And I have an umbrella.

This song is basically about this guy that is sick of his girlfriend and decides to answer a personal ad. Oh, and he just happens to be looking at the paper while he’s in BED with his girlfriend. But whatever, right?!

So he answers the ad of the girl who likes pina coladas and rainstorms. Oh, and she hates yoga, too. AND only expects the man she hooks up with to have half a brain. Which CLEARLY… this guy fits the bill.

He goes to meet the girl so they can ‘make love on the dunes at midnight’, and discovers that it is his girlfriend that took out the ad. They see each other at the bar, and… get this… they LAUGH about the whole thing.

Because isn’t that exactly what *you’d* do in that scenario?

2. “Don’t You Want Me?” by The Human League.

I think this song should be considered the ‘Anthem of Stalkers’.

You know, like the line… “But don't forget it's me who put you where you are now
And I can put you back down too”

And the chorus? That super catchy chorus? Why don’t you want me baby? Oh, maybe it’s because I’m a CRAZY-@$$ ex-boyfriend?? Who threatens in the oh-so-catchy chorus…

That his ex-love who has changed her mind “had better change it back or we will both be sorry!”

Creepy…

So, friends, tell me… any songs out there that are super-creepin’ you out?

Just when you thought it was safe to go back...

2011-01-25T08:08:00.004-06:00

Having barely caught my breath after yesterday's brush with demon dolls, you will understand why I was reticent to return to my children's bedrooms to gather up dirty laundry. (Welcome to the glamorous life of a housewife, BTW)

I asked Libby yesterday why she'd turned the dolls heads, and she glanced at me, laughed evilly, and said, "But Mommy... I haven't touched them all weekend." Okay, not really. But wouldn't that make for a good re-make of 'Chucky'?? (Shudder)

In fact, the girls go on kicks where they love to play together with their dolls, and will have everything all set up, and will play for days on end. Having been a real 'doll-girl' when I was growing up, it warms my heart to see the two of them play with and dress their dolls. And I admit, sometimes they tell their dolls that they need to play nicely with their sister dolls, and to stop yelling at their sister dolls.

And sometimes they even have to put their dolls on the 'Naughty Spot'. But I'm okay with that. ;)

But I still wasn't prepared to be greeted as such, when I went into Josie's room...

Once again, I *did* jump. And for lack of gum, I actually said, "Oh, %#*@!" Now this was one of my dolls from childhood, and if you can't tell in the picture, he's HUGE. He's about the size of a 4 or 5 month old baby, and he was just standing in his little crib... waiting to be picked up, I guess.

Or just checking out all of the Justin Beiber posters on the walls of her room. (Alas, my ten year old is in that typical 'tween' phase... half the time she is a little girl, playing dolls with her sister. The other half, she is a surly teen. *sigh)

Thank heavens that Davis's room only has Lego creations to deal with. Well... Lego creations and utter filth and destruction.

Oh, and in his closet...

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!

Okay, okay....breeeeathe.........breeeeeathe......

I know what you're thinking: "Relax, Staci! It's just Santa Claus! A sweet little leftover from Christmas that hasn't been put away yet! It's Santa!! What could be scary about Santa?? Santa is a jolly old elf. It's just Santa... shh...shhh..."

Okay, it's not the fact that there is a Santa in his closet. It was a 'festive gift' for his room. Some kids have trees. Davis got a two foot tall Santa.

Santa does NOT bother me. Its his inexplicable garb that I find disturbing...

"Santa? Is that you? Are you playing football now? What's with the baseball cap? And the hiking boots? What are you carrying in that basketball bag??!

Um... and you might want to re-think the sweater and the cuffed blue jeans."

Schizophrenic Santa.

I think I'm going to put Phil in charge of the laundry from now on.

Because I think you, too, deserve to be freaked out on this beautiful Monday morning.

2011-01-24T11:23:00.005-06:00

I would never say that I don't like being home by myself. Ever.

It's just that sometimes, after a busy weekend where my house has felt like Grand Central Station... well, Monday rolls around and the house is just... quiet.

Sometimes a little too quiet. Quiet enough that I can find myself listening for odd noises, steering clear of the closet under our stairway, and occasionally getting freaked the hell out.

Delivering laundry to Libby's room this morning, I opened her door and found...

These dolls. Looking. Right. At. Me.

With their heads turned and everything. Like they'd been anticipating my arrival. FREAKY!! I'm not too proud to admit that I jumped a little. And maybe I swallowed my gum.

I decided I must get photographic evidence, so you could tell me that I'm not a complete headcase. What was my kid thinking? Did she turn their heads like that so they could watch her sleep??! Disturbing.

So I ran downstairs to get the camera (making sure I left her bedroom door OPEN!), and on my way back upstairs, all I could think was...

"If their heads are turned forward when I walk back in... we're SO going to have to put this damn house on the market."

Just sayin...

2011-01-23T19:17:00.001-06:00

Do y'all remember??

Remember back when I had that blog? And I'd post stuff?

And sometimes it was funny??

And y'all would comment?

Remember??

Ah, good times. Good times. ;)

Three for Thursday. Otherwise known as ‘Cranky much?’

2011-01-13T16:14:00.002-06:00

1. Posted this on my Facebook status, but it bears repeating, due to its timeliness. And, of course, it’s an honorable mention in my weekly ‘Wow, I did NOT know that’ awards.

I got an email from the H.E.B. Rediclinic which stated, in part: Recent reports have indicated that pollen levels are at an all time high. Experts predict an "unpleasant few weeks ahead" for those whom suffer from cedar allergies.

Ummmm… no sh*t, Sherlock. Welcome to my life.

2. We came off of the holiday season, and jumped headfirst into January with projects, projects, projects! If you didn’t have the chance to see my… er… I mean Josie’s Spanish mission project, well let me just say… it was a thing of true beauty, complete with a presidio, a well, and teeny tiny plastic soldiers dressed as missionaries. We made an A+.

Now onward and upward… Pinewood Derby, the Spelling Bee, and twirling competitions, just to name a few. Damn… I’m ready for spring break, please.

3. Lost 5 pounds this week on WW. (So... yay, me!) Which is all great and everything, except that the annoyingly perky leader in the meeting announces it and makes you stand up in front of everyone and tell the ‘secret of your success for the week’.

And then everyone claps. Now, I don’t mind people giving me kudos for a job well done… but I don’t need the courtesy clap just because I managed to keep my butt out of the Chick-fil-a drive-thru for an entire week. Plus… it is incredibly tempting to say something along the lines of… “Well, Jenny, THIS week I decided to forgo food altogether, and see how it would work getting all my nourishment from Diet Coke, cigarettes, and Grey Goose.”

But I’m pretty sure that might get me banned from the meetings.

(*it has since been pointed out to me that the crankiness might be attributed less to the cedar fever, and more to the cutting out of the sugar. Am willing to concede that possibility.)

And speaking of resolutions...

2011-01-12T18:26:00.002-06:00

Perhaps I should have made a New Year's resolution to NOT yell at the girl working at the pretzel place in the mall.

But seriously? She was an idiot. I’m sorry to say that, ESPECIALLY after my post about how important it was that we treat all people with respect, and allow them to have a little dignity when they are doing their job. ESPECIALLY when they are serving your food. Because of the ‘spit factor’, and everything?

That was before I took my two youngest children to the mall after school to run an errand. They wanted a snack. They were peckish (I do so love that word.) What’s a mom to do when it’s nary an hour before dinner, and we still have to hit Bath & Body Works for the antibacterial soap sale??? (I’m THROUGH with sickies. We stocked up.)

It’s soft pretzel time! They both wanted the cinnamon sugar pretzels, so I got them the cup of pretzel sticks. Six, yummy soft pretzel sticks for two kids… a good compromise. Enough for a snack, but not enough to spoil their dinner.

I paid for them, and took out three to put on a napkin for Libby. I pulled out the other three for Davis… and they were completely smashed and stuck together. They were welded together in a cinnamony-sugary-smash-squishery mass. (oh, I’m a soft pretzel poet.)

I politely asked the girl working behind the counter… “I’m sorry, but can I get three more? These are all smooshed.” (And yes, I did say ‘smooshed’.)

So she took them from me…

and laid them on the countertop…

and then used her fingers and her pretzel-grabbin’ tongs to rip and pry apart the cinnamony-sugary-smash-squishery mass.

And then she put the ripped, mangled pieces back in the cup… and HANDED. IT. TO. ME.

Oh, damn.

And with 4 people in line behind me, and seeing my boy’s face looking at his shredded snack… well, I became *that* customer. The crazy, pretzel-cup-waving, loony-toon, demanding unsmashed, unmolested pretzel sticks. I admit it wasn’t my proudest moment.

Both kids were in awe, though, and later recounted the story to their sister… and their dad… and each other. Over and over. And they’ve even added their own versions.

So if Libby tells you the story of the time Momma went all ape-sh*t at the pretzel place, she TOTALLY added the part about me hitting the lady with my bag of antibacterial gels. I absolutely didn’t.

Happy 2011... Is that 'twenty-eleven' or 'two thousand eleven'?

2011-01-06T12:35:00.004-06:00

Whew... I'm back. A brand new year, all clean and straight out of its hermetic seal. Still lily-white and pristine, and abundant with promises of good things, fun times, and fresh starts.

Gag. I could give Hallmark a run for their money.

I was READY for 2011. And not just because the last week of 2010 had me looking like the beginning of a Nyquil commercial, what with all that sniffling, sneezing, coughing, aching, stuffy head and fever. (Oh, and by the way, I find it interesting that when you go to search the tagline for Nyquil on your Google Search engine and you type in "Nyquil Ad", the number one links are all for "Nyquil Addiction". Just sayin'.)

Anyway, a new year means new resolutions. And resolutions, I made!

Resolution #1: Make some resolutions. (It took me awhile to get going. what can I say?)

Resolution #2: Spend NO MORE than 15 minutes daily on Facebook or other frivolous websites. And when I say 'frivolous', I don't mean this one. This one is well worth the time spent going back and re-reading my posts. In fact, I think that should be one of YOUR resolutions.
I'm talking about 'Lamebook', 'Awkward Family Photos', 'Regretsy' and 'Garfield Minus Garfield'. (you KNOW you're going to go check some of those out, aren't you? Just considered yourself warned ;) Anyway... I have no self-control, and I find myself reading "just one more page...", and I get stuck in the quagmire that is colloquially known as 'The Net'. (Coincidence? I think not.)

Resolution #3: Channel my inner Jennifer Hudson. And if you've heard me sing, you know I'm not planning on auditioning for American Idol. I'm talking 'bout Weight Watchers, friends. Been there, done that, had it work well after pregnancy #1. And pregnancy #2. So now it's time to get it in gear and lose the leftover pounds from pregnancy #3. (And if you happen to feel like mentioning that the result of pregnancy #3 is now 6 years old... well, just don't. Because so help me, I will smack you.)

I won't bore you with the rest (yes! There are more!) I have them all written down, and I hope to make this a year of 'tweaks' (No, not talking about a Nyquil addiction anymore). I just mean... basically I'm a happy, contented person. For the most part, I feel unbelievably blessed and I really love my life (I know... gag), but there are, of course, areas that need 'tweaking'. No major overhaul, just some freshening up. Little changes in a couple of different arenas. Some reminders to myself that I'm worth taking care of, and that there are so many things that I want to do in this year of the big "4-0" that involve spending more time with my husband, enjoying my kids even more, and not stressing about the scratched, dinged up kitchen table or the patches of dead grass in the backyard.

What about you? Tell me one of your resolutions...

Uuuugggghhhh.

2010-12-30T13:23:00.002-06:00

Just wanted to check in... I'm sick, y'all, and it totally stinks.

Working on Day #6 of the crud (cold turned into a sinus infection), and I finally went to the doctor this morning.

They tell me I'm going to live.

I'm not 100% convinced yet.

Shhhhhhh...

2010-12-22T15:00:00.001-06:00

Twas a few nights before Christmas,

And all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring...

Awwww... Love this kid. :)

Which TOTALLY makes me a cotton-headed ninnymuggins...

2010-12-21T14:15:00.006-06:00

From this....

to this...

Which is what you have to do when you discover miniscule glass bits on the countertop, while cleaning up...

AFTER you've baked, dipped, and packaged up 5 dozen cake balls to give as gifts to neighbors.

I have no idea which batch was being made when I dropped the bowl. And we didn't discover all the bits of glass until after everything was finished, and we were throwing away empty chocolate chip bags, and parchment paper.

Bonus? All of the vanilla cake balls had a sprinkling of red and clear sugar crystals on them to differentiate them from the devil's food ones. And those sugar crystals? Virtually indistinguishable from glass. Until, that is, you take a bite.

And I don't dislike any of my neighbors *that* much. ;) (kidding!)

So I had no choice. They all had to be thrown out.

And now? Well, I really hope the neighbors like Oreos.

A holiday frame of mind...

2010-12-20T19:57:00.002-06:00

One of the best parts of the holiday season?

Well, that would have to be baking lots of yummy treats. With the Christmas music playing in the background, a cup of hot chocolate, and the delicious scents of Christmas filling my kitchen, I can almost pretend I’m one of Santa’s elves.

You know… that one elf that forgets to wear an oven mitt when taking a hot Pyrex glass bowl out of the microwave.

But the good news? If you tilt your head just so, you can almost see the Christmas lights glinting off of the shards of shattered glass all over the floor.

And if you squint your eyes just right, you can pretend that the melted chocolate that is nestling the shards of broken glass is mud that the reindeer tracked in.

And if you step just right, the teeny tiny pieces of glass that are left, even after you have swept and mopped, and swept again? Well, those put you in mind of snow crystals, crunching under your boots.

I mean, it really helps you get in the holiday spirit. :P

Her mother's daughter...

2010-12-17T17:37:00.001-06:00

Phil is taking Josie deer-hunting in the morning.

I keep telling her that it will be very early. She says she’s ready.

Our little outdoor adventurer...

I am trying to warn her that it will be very cold. She says she’s ready.

Our little outdoor adventurer...

Phil has been trying to get everything together… snacks, warm clothes, his knife, etc., so he made her find her warmest jacket.

She tried it on, and said, “This will be perfect!”

Phil: “Yep, you’ll need it for in the morning. It’s going to be cold.”

Josie: “No, I mean it matches my gloves perfectly!”

Our little outdoor adventurer. ;)

I am lop-sided...

2010-12-16T19:13:00.002-06:00

I am lop-sided.

And it’s driving me crazy.

I’m not talking about my bangs, even though they are (I like to cut them myself)… or my toes (I have that one long, a.k.a. ‘smart’ toe)… or even my boobs (I breastfed three kids. ‘Nuff said.)

I’m talking about gifts. More specifically, making the gifts ‘EVEN’ for the children. As in, everyone has a similarly even pile of goodies on Christmas morning. And you only understand this if you are a parent. More specifically, if you are the parent of more than one child. And none of those children are infants.

When you have babies, you can get away with having an uneven distribution of presents. Let’s face it… a toddler is more fun to shop for than a baby, and you can get more bang for your buck, especially if we’re talking about the excitement level of said kid. So no one is going to notice. When kids are babies, you can wrap up a rattle, or even gift-wrap a box of Kleenex (not that I ever did that ;), and nobody will be the wiser. In fact, if your kids messed with the tree as much as mine did when they were little, you don’t put any wrapped gifts under there at all. It’s just easier than having to re-wrap everything six or seven times.

And if you’re a parent, you know in no way does this ‘even-ness’ refer to the actual dollar amount spent. As we all know, the older a child gets, the more expensive their toys get. (Makes you long for that Kleenex box a little, doesn’t it?) But try explaining to a kid that their Nintendo DS Lite (no kids, you are NOT getting those) cost the same as five of a younger sibling’s gifts. Nothin’doin’.

So I find myself buying into the ‘momma guilt, and trying very hard to make sure they all have the same number of gifts to open on Christmas morning. But I also find myself picking up ‘just one more thing’ because it is cute… or its on sale… (or because I FINALLY found those silly Teacup Pig toys)…and then I feel like I have to even things out for the other two.

I know… it’s crazy. (It makes Phil crazy, too, but that’s actually a whole other story. ;) And maybe you’re made of stronger stuff, and I’m the only momma being manipulated by the machine that is consumerism.

But I highly doubt it.

Most kids I know keep a running tally of every single thing that is placed under the tree, and whether or not their name is on it. And heaven help us if they start to notice a certain ‘unevenness’. And by ‘notice’, I mean to say, they yell, “Whaaat??!! ANOTHER present for her??”

I have to admit, though… I like to mess with my kids. Just a little bit. You know, like putting secret codes on the gifts, so only *I* know who they are for…moving things around… putting things back in the closet that were just under the tree yesterday.

It keeps things fresh.

And when I say ‘fresh’? I mean ‘paranoid’.

Just the way I like ‘em.

Watch out... this one spits.

2010-12-10T07:18:00.003-06:00

I lasted two days as a waitress.

It was at Las Casas in Temple, Texas (Home of the famed ‘White Wings’!), and it was the summer after my freshman year in college. I had never thought much about waiting tables, but since I had originally planned to spend the summer as the Arts and Crafts counselor at a Boy Scout camp, and I ditched to come home for the summer (remind me to tell you *that* story sometime), I was in need of some serious cash.

Enter Las Casas… for about two days. I have said since then, and will continue to say until the end of forever, “I couldn’t cut it as a waitress.” Huge props to those of you that can do it.

I just could not. I would have been waaaay too tempted to spit in someone’s food. Not that I make a habit of doing that. Have no fear, if you are ever a guest in my home, I would never spit in your food. Except for you, Jesse Levine. I used to spit in your food on a weekly basis. But anyway.

If you’ve never met me, and you just stumbled on my little blog here because you were looking for the ‘Home of the White Wings!’, here’s a couple of fun, little facts about me: I’m cute. I’m friendly. And I’m a bit of a hot-head.

And I knew there would come a time when a customer would piss me off, and in the most passive-aggressive way possible, I would SPIT in their enchiladas. And then possibly use my pinky finger to swirl the glob right into the red sauce. Yummy.

I do not take well to being talked ugly to. Nope. True story… once when I was working part-time at a jewelry store (I won’t tell you the name, but it rhymes with Same Slavery), we would offer to clean and polish people’s rings, necklaces, etc. We didn’t mind doing it (well, *I* didn’t mind) in fact, there’s nothing like seeing a beat-up ring looking all shiny and new again. But it was a store courtesy, people… not a God-given right.

I only did it the one time. But, damn, it felt good. And I’m not proud of it, but it went down a little something like this… I’ll be ‘the Jerk’. You be ‘Me (it’s easy. It involves a lot of being perky and smiling sweetly):

Jerk: "Hey, can you clean this?" (holding out his ring, which ironically was engraved with a cross. Go figure.)

Me (smiling sweetly): "Sure! Is there anything else I can do for you?" (oftentimes people would have more than one item they’d want us to clean, so it never hurt to ask)

Jerk (snottily): "Uh, yeah! You think I’m going to actually buy anything in here?" (rolls eyes)

Me (getting increasingly perky… cause that’s what I do when I’m seething inside): "Okay, sir, I’ll be right back."

Jerk: "How long’s it gonna take?"

Me (still smiling. Still sweet…): "I’ll have it right out, as soon as I polish and wash it!"

Jerk: "Because I’m in a hurry."

Me: "Won’t take but just a minute for me to polish it on the polishing wheel, and rinse it."

With my spit. My perky, perky spit.

And I think this explains, in part, my propensity to be overly nice to anyone who is waiting on me. Waiters in restaurants, customer service reps, nurses in the hospital after I deliver a big fat-headed baby. I say things like… ‘would you mind?’ and ‘whenever you get a chance…’ and ‘I’d love more Percoset when you get around to it…’ (they *do* look at you a little funny when you say that to the waitress at Red Robin, though)

Because I’ve been there, and if you’ve ever waited tables, or worked retail, or had one of those jobs that certain people would consider menial or ‘beneath them’ (oh, I don’t know, like being a teacher), you have ‘been there’ too. And you know the importance of common courtesy, and kindness, and allowing people to do their job and maintain their dignity. It’s just the decent thing to do.

Plus? I fear your spit.

Idiots of the Week... installment one

2010-12-09T12:49:00.002-06:00

Anderson Cooper has his ‘Ridiculist’… Keith Olbermann has his “Worst Person in the World”, so I’m going to jump on the bandwagon, and award the...

“Idiots of the Week”:

1. The Orioles Designated Hitter, Luke Scott, for his statements that President Obama “was not born here. That's my belief. I was born here. If someone accuses me of not being born here, I can go – within 10 minutes – to my filing cabinet and I can pick up my real birth certificate and I can go, 'See? Look! Here it is.'

Yeah, his birth certificate is in the file cabinet… but his ‘Dumbass award’? Hanging right on his wall for all to see.

2. The Westboro Baptist church… have you heard of these hate-mongering a$$holes? They are the ones that picket at the funerals of American soldiers. Now they’re planning to picket the funeral of Elizabeth Edwards, who lost her battle to breast cancer earlier this week. These people are not godly… they are not Christian… they are extremists. And extremists, whether they proclaim to be doing their works in the name of God or Allah or Buddha or Mr. Potato Head, are dangerous. They are animals. ‘Idiot’ is not a strong enough word.

3. Now, I don’t think anyone would EVER call me a fan of Sarah Palin, and if they did, I might just have to punch them in the face… but I have to say that I find all the uproar about the reality show episode where she shoots and skins a moose absolutely ridiculous!
Everyone that is saying how ‘disturbing it is’, and how it was ‘so traumatic to see that on television’… might I just say?

You’re an idiot.

Maybe it’s because I’m a Texas girl, and I grew up eating venison, watching my dad, grandparents, and uncles shoot, kill, and process little doe-eyed deer… and my husband and son are carrying on the tradition, and I’m looking forward to a freezer-ful of deer meat after this weekend. I actually watched the episode (because my husband saw ‘huntin’ on T.V. and stopped changing the channel immediately), and I have to say, Sarah Palin clearly grew up in this way of life. She knows her way around a firearm, people.

Basically, I have to think if you don’t like it, you have the opportunity to change the channel.

Oh, and if that is the MOST objectionable thing you can find about a reality show about Sarah Palin, then good on ya. ;)

She's sneaky like that...

2010-12-02T09:25:00.003-06:00

We have the best kind of cat.

It’s the neighbor’s cat, but she spends about ¾ of her time on our porch, curled up in one of our wrought iron chairs, staring down the UPS man as he drops off his deliveries.

It’s the perfect compromise for a household where 2/5 of the family is allergic to cats, and another 2/5 absolutely loves them. (Notice how that didn’t exactly add up to five? I’ll give you a hint. Um… me ;)

The girls can love on her, pet her, and hold her… all without the responsibilities of being a pet owner. You know, like vet bills, changing the litter box, and most importantly… never having to be around cat food (because isn’t that just some of the most vile smelling stuff ever??)

Occasionally, though, this cat takes advantage of my porch hospitality and actually sneaks into my house. Granted, it’s usually when one of the kids has left the door wide open, allowing her (and mosquitoes, geckos, and random woodland creatures) to make themselves at home. But that's not the point... I have shooed Callie back out of my house often enough that I think she should KNOW she can’t come inside. Hence, the use of the term ‘sneak’.

Plus she’s flat-out disdainful.

Anyway, there have been many times that I will come around the corner into the kitchen, and she’ll be sitting there, giving me that ‘look’. You know the one… “Hell’s yeah, I’m in your kitchen. Whatcha’ gonna do about it? I dare ya.” She TOTALLY has an attitude. (cattitude?)

This morning, when I made it back from the store (did you know that 7:45 a.m. is the *best* time to shop?? There’s nobody there! Scratch that. It’s super crowded. You probably shouldn’t go) I was unloading my grocery bags (recyclable!) into the kitchen… and I hear that distinctive jingling of tags.

That damn cat was somewhere in my house.

Okay, okay… I guess I *did* leave the door out to the garage open so that I could unload everything. YOU try opening the door with your hands full of grocery bags (recyclable!)

Callie is one smart cookie, though… she was nowhere to be found. She stayed just out of my sight. I’d turn around to unload a bag, and hear her tags jingling… I’d move through the kitchen, and hear her…but the minute I tried to stand really still to get her to walk through the room? Nothing.

It’s like she *knew* that she should only move when I was moving, so I’d get all flustered, and try to run around the corner to catch her. And then I'd run through the family room to make sure she's not making herself a guinea pig sandwich, and then I'd run past the bathroom…

Where I would catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror, looking like a crazed idiot…

Wearing the sweatshirt I’d tied around my waist.

The zip-up sweatshirt with the metal zipper pulls.

Um. Yeah.

The bluest eyes in Texas...

2010-12-01T14:38:00.004-06:00

For exactly 21 months and 29 days, I was the mother of an only child.

For exactly 29 months, I was the mother of two children.

And then, on the first day of the last month of 2004, I became the mother of three.

And this little face changed my world and my heart forever...

(at three months)

(one year... and yes, I took a picture of a scrapbook, so ignore that ribbon in the corner.)

(And today at lunch, when I brought her a Happy Meal. She was so proud of her birthday button... it flashes.)

Happy Birthday, Libs. Love you, sweet girl :)

Please don't make me gag.

2010-11-29T22:44:00.001-06:00

So, I heard today that Rachel Uchitel, Tiger Wood's 'alleged' mistess, has said that she is guilty of being "addicted to love".

Oh, AND prescription drugs.

But, whatevs.

Confession time...

2010-11-24T20:25:00.003-06:00

It's 8:30 p.m. on Thanksgiving 'eve', and I really haven't gotten much done yet.

The shopping is finished (yay!), and there is a pumpkin pie in the oven, but other than that...

1. The house is still a complete and total wreck.

2. I still have orders to enter for a Thirty-One party.

3. Laundry? Don't even get me started.

4. The floor needs to be mopped, the bathrooms need to be cleaned, and I need to prep my brussel sprouts casserole (shut up. It's delicious.)

On the plus side?

Well...

um...

Give me a minute....

Hmmm.

Let me think...

Oh yeah! I took a really cute picture of the kids today. Here it is...

Proof positive that I actually accomplished something that is normally next-to-impossible.

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

I'm not entirely sure...

2010-11-22T17:41:00.003-06:00

I’m not entirely sure…

1. …if my son actually did his multiplication homework, or if he bribed his older cousin who is in the 4th grade to do it for him… “It will go so much faster, and we can play the Wii sooner!”

I’m sad to say that at this point, I’m cool with it, as long as it’s finished. Whatevs.

2. … when Thanksgiving became such a major holiday that people need an entire week off. At the risk of sounding old, and all ‘I walked to school barefoot in the snow’ …when I was a kid, we got out of school for Thanksgiving and the following day. Now it is Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. And quite a few school districts are closed for the entire week! Well, I guess we need the extra time for all that ‘family togetherness’.

Oh, and horking down our turkey dinner to Get. To. The. Mall.

3. … that I ever realized how difficult it is to have a child with a birthday that is so close to Christmas. I mean, *I* always knew that it kind of bit the big one to get your birthday presents wrapped in Santa paper. My parents never did that, and always really tried to make sure I had a ‘birthday, birthday’, but I never really gave them the credit for what a challenge it is to balance birthday vs. Christmas, and making sure that the December birthday kid (me! And now… Libs!) does not get shortchanged. It’s hard, yo.

4. …why Sarah Palin has her own reality show.

5. … if the language from yesterday’s blog was offensive to you. If so, my apologies. But it was hella-funny, y’all, and everytime I think about it, I get a little chuckle at the sweet innocence of my baby girl who was trying to love on some cute little squirrels.

I just hope she didn’t share her weekend experiences in her kindergarten class today.

6. … if I should actually open that e-mail I just got from her teacher. ;)

Say what??

2010-11-21T15:15:00.006-06:00

Okay, I’m not even going to go into why I’ve been in absentia for over a week. All’s well around here, it’s just been BUSY. Blah, blah.

And this weekend? Ah, this weekend… CAMPING.

Camping with a bunch of adorable Cub Scouts who are missing their front teeth, look so precious in their little uniforms, who beg for S’mores in the most adorable way…

oh, and who happen to be pyromaniacs.

Every damn one of them was obsessed with the campfire, and more specifically, throwing things directly into the fire at every opportunity. Well, every opportunity where there was not a vigilant adult watching them like a hawk. I thought it was just MY kid, but turns out that all little boys will sit inappropriately close to a firepit, with their eyes glazed over, taking turns ripping apart a cardboard box, and saying things like, “Burn! Burn!!” I can definitely say they each earned their “Firestarter” badge this weekend.

The weather was beautiful, the company was great, and Inks Lake never fails to be just an amazing place to go camping. Bee stings, falls off the playscape, and the occasional vagrant squirrel climbing into a trash bag notwithstanding, it was a great weekend. Burned hot dogs, burned marshmallows, burned eggs (oh, excuse me: “Campfire eggs”) …it’s what camping is all about.

We headed home this morning, after closing ceremonies, and after the obligatory stop at Sonic for a Diet Coke (for ‘She-who-shall-not-be-named’), we were on our way, with the kids yammering the whole time about the best parts of the weekend.

Kid #1: Making s’mores!”

Kid #2: “Building the fire!” (of course)

Kid #1: “Playing with our friends!”

Kid #2: “Climbing the trees!”

Kid #3: “Chasing the big, fat, pu**y squirrels!”

SCRREEEEEECH!!!

Well, you’d have to slam on the brakes, too, if someone (‘She-who-shall-not-be-named’) had just spewed Diet Coke all over the inside of the windshield, in a coughing fit brought on by equal parts terror, surprise and sheer hilarity.

Me: “Ummm… WHAT kind of squirrels?” (I’ll give you a hint… she didn’t say ‘puffy’.)

Kid #3 : “Big, fat pu**y squirrels. You know, like pussycats!”

Oh, thoooose.

Three for Thursday:

2010-11-11T16:02:00.001-06:00

(because I’m an alliterative geek.)

1. I don’t want to startle you, but there are only… SIX. MORE. WEEKS. UNTIL. CHRISTMAS.

Forget startled. That actually scares the crap outta me.

2. Everyone knows about my diet Coke addiction, but did you know that I don’t like getting Diet Coke in restaurants? Shocking, yes?

I only like getting iced tea. And only unsweetened because sweet tea is gross. Yes, I know that makes me lose my ‘Texas card’ just a little bit. I still SAY it the right way, though… FYI: it’s not Sweeeet tea (with the long e sound), it’s actually pronounced “Swayt tea” (Go ahead… say it. It’s right.)

Anyway, I can drink unsweet iced tea by the gallon. Which explains why I am familiar with the restroom interior and ambience of every restaurant we frequent.

2. My kindergartener brought home a note today that she had won an Award of Excellence for her PTA ‘Reflections’ entry, and she would receive her award at the ceremony next Tuesday night. Both her older siblings have won an award in the past for their entries, and have taken home trophies and/ or medals. So when I told her that she had won, she simply asked, “Will I get a trophy??!” Priorities, people… priorities.

I’m just hoping its not a “Major Award” because I really have no place to put a new lamp.

And if you got *that* reference, I won’t need to remind you that there are only… SIX. MORE. WEEKS. UNTIL. CHRISTMAS.

Oh, the weather outside is frightful...

2010-11-10T18:34:00.005-06:00

And when I say 'frightful', I mean that there is a nip in the air. A damn frightful nip. Which officially makes it hot chocolate weather!!

I have to tell you... I love hot chocolate. And I love hot chocolate, while I'm sitting on my couch, wrapped in my robe, wearing my huggly socks (oh, surely you haven't forgotten *those*??)

I can't have coffee (makes my stomach hurt). Hot tea is okay. I'm really trying to develop a love for hot tea. Especially green tea because I read somewhere that it curbs your appetite, and can help you lose a couple of pounds. I also read that it increases your fertility. Which is kind of ironic, overall, I think. So, I can be skinny and incredibly fertile. Which is how I got into the position to need said green tea for weight loss. It's a conundrum. Anyway, right now, I don't have a full-blown 'love' for hot tea. Consider it more of a passing affection.

Hot chocolate is another story entirely. A rich, decadent story. It's the 'chick flick' of hot winter drinks, I think. And much like everything I drink, I have a few requirements:

It must:

1. Not EVER be made with generic hot cocoa mix. I will accept the store brand on a lot of things... Cream of mushroom soup/ Q-Tips/ Frosted Mini-Wheats (aka Frosted Mini-Spooners), but I simply can't compromise on hot cocoa. Swiss Miss, you sweet little chick, you. No one else can compare.

2. It must be served in a ceramic mug. Unlike my husband, who likes to drink it out of a PLASTIC CUP (he's crazy, I know), I have to have my steaming hot cocoa out of a mug... preferably my special Longhorn National Championship mug (made all the more special because with the way this season is shaping up, who knows when I'll get another one??)

3. It should have a mini candy-cane crushed up in it. (you know the ones... the teeny little ones that Santa gives you when you visit him at the mall?? Fortunately they also sell them at H.E.B., so I don't have to stalk jolly, old St. Nick.) And it should be crushed up into its little package BEFORE you open it. And it should be added to the cocoa mix in the bottom of the mug BEFORE you pour the hot water in.

4. And if you happen to have one, it can then be stirred with a bigger candy cane. (this is not entirely necessary, but it *is* a nice touch... ahem.)

Why all the detail? Do I expect you to come over and make hot cocoa for me, to my exact (albeit somewhat demanding) specifications??

Of course not.

Unless you happen to be married to me. ;)

(*fortunately the someone that happens to be married to me finds me completely charming, and not at all demanding, and is currently at H.E.B., buying me some hot cocoa mix and candy canes after reading this blog :)

Thank you for your concern.

2010-11-07T20:39:00.002-06:00

My youngest: "Momma, are you ALL better now?" (referring to my recovery from a recent hernia surgery)

Me: "Yep. I’m pretty much all better!"

My youngest: "So now can you pick up heavy stuff?"

Me: "Well, I’m still supposed to wait a couple more weeks before I lift anything that is super heavy."

My youngest: "How long until I can give you a really tight squeeze on your tummy?"

Me: "Um… you can give me a hug, just like you always do, but maybe no *really* tight squeezes around my middle for just a little bit longer."

My youngest: "Well, how long until you drive better?"

Thank you, 311 Operator. You’ve been less than helpful.

2010-11-06T19:02:00.002-05:00

You tell me… what is one to do when a random dog runs into your yard and begins attacking your neighbor’s cat, causing your children to run, sobbing and screaming into the house like they’ve just seen the four horsemen of the apocalypse?

Step 1: Grab the dog. Or better yet, have the teenage neighbor boy grab the dog by the collar.

Step 2: Take note… there *is* a collar. And a tag! This should be easy…

Step 3: Hmmm… no tag listing the owner’s phone number or address. So, call the number on the Rabies vaccination tag, which dials up the veterinary office.

Step 4: Follow the prompts on the vet office’s answering service.

Step 5: Push *3 as directed, having “Found an animal wearing one of our vaccination tags.”

Step 6: Curse under your breath at the following recording: “Please be aware that the doctor on duty does not have access to records. They will be unable to give any information. Please call back during business hours.”

Wow. Really?? Okay… now I’m at a loss.

Step 7: Call 311 (since it is not ‘technically’ an emergency, and the cat has 'technically' made its escape into the tree…) to be connected to Animal Control to find out what our options are.

Step 8: Resist the urge to curse out loud when the 311 operator tells you that Animal Control is closed, and is there any way that you could keep the stray dog in your backyard until Monday?

The stray dog that just attacked a cat, and is still yearning to make calico mincemeat of the little fella? The dog that could be part pit bull, and could potentially be on "America's Most Wanted: Pet Edition"? In the backyard where my children play (or more specifically, the place I make them go when they’re driving me a teensy bit loco?).
Ummm…No? Sorry. Call me an animal-hater (which I’m not), but there is a REASON I don’t have a dog.

Step 9: Put the dog on a leash, and walk him down the street, hoping to find his owners, out looking for him.

Step 10: Resist the urge to pummel the owner when he spots the dog forty five minutes later, and simply shouts “Thanks!” over his shoulder as he jogs home with his little escapee.

Bottom line: I was really surprised at the lack of options for dealing with a stray animal on the weekend. If the best option really is just putting some random, potentially vicious dog in my backyard for two days, that’s insanity. So, all I have to say is… People, if you care about the welfare of your animals, and want people to be able to contact you… for the love of Pete (and Petey, and Rover, and Spot, and Fido), put your phone number on your pet’s freakin’ collar!

Okay. Rant over ;)

I saved the black wigs for next year's 'Cher' costume

2010-11-04T10:31:00.004-05:00

Zombies may totally freak me out, but apparently I find vampires cute and cuddly.

Especially when they collect their weight in fun-size Twix bars.

(and the little Army guy is pretty adorable, too. Especially with his two front teeth missing. He's so patriotic... he can even sing the "Th-tar Th-pangled Banner" ;)

Hope everyone had a wonderful, safe Halloween!

I did not know that...

2010-11-03T19:55:00.004-05:00

I think I’ve mentioned this before. My husband is an incredible person. I might even go so far as to call him… “Mr. Incredible”. ;)

But he likes to watch weird shows on television. I *might* have mentioned that before, too. Or blogged incessantly about it. Whatevs.

Occasionally he gets me hooked on the weirdness, too. I admit… I *have* watched an episode or two of ‘Swamp People’ (Remember those ‘you know you’re a Redneck’ jokes? Well, ‘you know you’re a Swamp person’ when the show’s producers have to run subtitles across the bottom of the screen when you talk. And you’re from Lousiana, and are supposedly speaking English.)

Oh, and ‘Warehouse 13’? Good call there, hon.

But the new show that I found him watching a few nights ago? A show about zombies. To be perfectly correct, it’s not just a SHOW about zombies… it’s an entire series about zombies.

It’s called ‘The Walking Dead’, and according to AMC’s website, it’s all about the dwindling number of human survivors in a world overrun by conservative Republicans.

Um... oops. I meant ZOMBIES. (oh, come on, y'all... simmer down. it was a joke ;)

Do you want to know more about the zombies?? I just KNEW you did, so I found this for you on Wikipedia. Because I’m a giver, and all.

“In the beginning of the series, Rick and partner Shane are in a firefight and Rick is shot and enters a coma. Upon waking in a hospital, he discovers the undead are in the building and town. Rick returns home and shortly decides to go to Atlanta, where the survivors were told to await help, to find his wife and son. He discovers the city is crowded with zombies.”

Here’s even more Zombie 411 for you:

“To date in the series, every deceased human being has risen as a zombie, as long as they still have a working nervous system. Zombie body fluids getting on a human will not infect them. It is not the bite itself that zombifies a person, all the bite does is cause a serious infection, which kills within days. Promptly removing the limb of a person bitten will ensure survival.”

Turns out, Phil was trying to tell me all of this the other night. In a very long-winded, roundabout way.

I guess he didn’t notice me saying, “Mmhm… oh yeah? Hmmm,” while simultaneously becoming glassy-eyed. And maybe nodding off. Just a little.

Uh-oh. Weirdness overload…

Even better than magic beans...

2010-11-02T17:15:00.002-05:00

I’ve been doing it all wrong.

According to an Ethan Allen commercial that I saw while I was watching ‘The Dish’ (which by the way, I’ve discovered I should NOT watch ‘The Dish’ or ‘The Soup’ and then immediately tune into CNN Headline News. I keep expecting snarky commentary to accompany it. And I’m not always as witty as Danielle Fishel in my own head.)

Anyway… according to Ethan Allen, all I need is, (and I quote): “that PERFECT piece of furniture… and the rest of the room will just fall into place…”

So, wait just a tic… are you telling me that ALL I have to do is buy a new piece of furniture? A new couch? Or a new coffee table? And the rest of the room will just take care of itself??

What about that giant stain on the family room carpet where Libby poured an entire bottle of maple syrup? Gone?

What about the cracked tile in front of the fireplace where a stocking hanger fell two Christmases ago? Gone?

What about the pictures of my kids from 5 years ago? Those are in serious need of an update.

How about the lumpy pillows I haven’t bothered replacing, and the window valances that I hung up, decided I hated, and have been too lazy to take down??

Maybe that’s why Ethan Allen is so expensive. Because, hello?? Clearly, they sell magical furniture.

Does it dust itself, as well?

If so, I’d better figure out how to explain the $147,000 worth of new furniture I’ll be charging.

I think that about covers it...

2010-10-30T14:08:00.002-05:00

The only thing he could have possibly added was 'chili and Lone Star beer'.

He may not have actually been born in Texas, but I think we've pretty much caught him up to speed. ;)

'Something Good'

2010-10-27T20:36:00.005-05:00

I am absolutely beside myself.

Tomorrow, for perhaps the first time in history, I will be recording the Oprah Winfrey show. (yeah, yeah… I’m just not a big Oprah fan. Shocking, right??)
But tomorrow?

Well, tomorrow… Maria, the Captain and all seven von Trapp children will gather on "The Oprah Winfrey Show" show to celebrate the 45th anniversary of "The Sound of Music." Be still my beating heart.

Friends, here is a little known fact about me: ‘The Sound of Music’ is my ALL TIME FAVORITE movie!!!!!! (Well, it might not exactly be a ‘little-known’ fact.)

(Oh, and for the record, my husband thinks watching ‘The Sound of Music’ with me is a special brand of torture. Because I like to sing. And I can’t sing. I’m really, truly awful.)

Anywaaay… I know every song in the movie, word for word. I own the CD boxed set. I own the movie. I have attended a Sound of Music Sing-Along (where I bonded with my now BFF, who incidentally, did not seem to mind that I ‘sang-along’. At least she didn’t mention it, which is certainly one reason I love her.). I have the entire soundtrack on my iPod, and I ponder how ‘to solve a problem like Maria’ while I mop the kitchen floor.

I grew up wanting to be Liesl, who is forever ‘Sixteen Going on Seventeen’. I wanted to dance in a gazebo, and leap from bench to bench. *sigh.
I never tire of hearing ‘The Lonely Goatherd’, and when the Captain and Maria realize they love one another, and that Maria will never be a nun… well, I get chills.

I thought about listing my top ten favorite moments from the movie, but I think that would be next to impossible. I love it all.

When the children first meet Maria, and put a pinecone on her chair? Love it.

When Maria fashions their playclothes from the curtains in her room? Love it.

The thunderstorm and the resulting sing-a-long of ‘My Favorite Things’? One of my favorite things.

When the children sing ‘So Long, Farewell’ at the party? LOVE it. Especially little Gretl. Awwwww.

When the Captain chokes up at the Music Festival, while singing ‘Edelweiss’?? *Sob!

When the nuns disable the Nazis’ cars? Love it.

When Rolf exposes their hiding place in the convent? Okay, I admit. I hate that part. I always wished that he had made the decision to run away with the Von Trapps.

Because I know that given half a chance, *I* would have run away with the Von Trapps.

What can I say? I’m a flibbertigibbet. ;)

Lesson learned

2010-10-24T16:12:00.003-05:00

I have discovered that 11 days post-op is NOT exactly the best time to go out in a stretch Hummer limo for a friend’s 40th birthday party.

And go to 5 bars in as many hours.

And dance. A teeny bit.

In heels.

Plus, when I leaned out the limo’s window to shake my pom-poms, I had to be extra careful. And when I say pom-poms, I’m not being euphemistic. There were actual pom-poms.

And somebody *might* have done a birthday cheer with the pom-poms. I’m just sayin’.

Because while I'm feeling soooo much better in the last couple of days, and pretty much back to my normal self... rolling in at 2:40 a.m. is NOT the best way to continue feeling that way.

Soooo… today, I feel like I’m about to die, or bust a stitch. I’m sore, I have a headache, and all I want to do is crawl back into bed, pull the covers over my head, and say…

“Damn. That was fun.” ;)

Did you know that the 12 year anniversary is the 'silk' anniversary??

2010-10-18T22:36:00.002-05:00

This weekend was my 12 year wedding anniversary. Actually, it was both of ours… mine and Phil’s.

And as he was helping me up from the couch for the umpteenth time, so I could hobble to the bathroom, my arms tucked protectively around my healing bellybutton, I asked him…

“Isn’t this just how you pictured it? 12 years ago? When you saw me walking down the aisle toward you?”

To backtrack a little…and to be altogether honest… our wedding day turned out to be a day that I could never have pictured. I pictured a bright, beautiful October day. A day chosen PRECISELY because it was supposed to be a bright, beautiful October day. Plus, it was the only weekend the Longhorns weren’t playing that fall… seriously, people… I couldn’t make our friends choose between us and the Horns. I just wasn’t that confident that we’d come out on top ;)

Oh, and P.S.?? The forecast hadn’t mentioned rain. Well not until a few days before. Not a drop had fallen. Not a drop fell until after our rehearsal dinner. As I was getting in the car to head home after the dinner, I stood at the door to say good-night to my soon to be husband, and I watched the first raindrops come down. Giggling, I ducked into the car, waved bye, and headed home for my last night as a single woman. The rain started in earnest after midnight.

You know that Alanis Morrisette song, “Ironic”? The line… ‘it’s like rain on your wedding day’… that’s not irony, people. It’s just a sucky forecast. It’s just chance.

And despite the fact that it rained 12 inches in just a few hours… despite the fact that about ¼ our guests could not navigate the flooded streets to make it to the wedding… despite the fact that they actually CLOSED OFF sections of the interstate (crazy, I know!)… in spite of it all, we still were married. And we still had a blast at our reception with our friends and our family. And we were every bit as happy, even if we’d had to stomp through puddles and huddle under umbrellas to make it all happen.

Because it gave us a good head-start. Marriage can be a lot of stomping through puddles. And holding umbrellas over one another.

And sometimes, one or the other can forget to do that, and can let the other one down. Let the person they love most in the world get a little bit drenched. Drenched by the worries of the world. The weight of life around us. Not intentionally or purposefully, but it can happen nonetheless.

But if you’re lucky and extraordinarily blessed, that doesn’t happen very often. And your umbrella-holder holds your elbow as you leap together across the puddle.

And me? I am lucky. And extraordinarily blessed.

My husband is an amazing person who still makes me laugh after 20 years together. He helps me to the potty after I’ve had surgery. He gave me three beautiful blonde-haired, blue-eyed babies, and he makes me a better person.

I love you, Prince Philip. You are my umbrella-holder. :)

What I expected vs. What I got...

2010-10-16T22:20:00.002-05:00

What I expected:

A routine outpatient hernia 'procedure' followed by resting quietly at home for a day or two. Add strong doses of ibuprofen, and children tiptoeing quietly around me as I rest and recuperate. And my recuperation would include watching television, reading novels, and making productive 'to-do' lists. I just knew I'd be back to my old self by the end of the week, and have accomplished so much in my 'down time', as an added bonus!

I know, I know. Call me naive.

Because this is what I got:

My 'outpatient' surgery required an overnight stay in the hospital. And while my first (yes, my very FIRST) experience with general anesthesia was marvelous, I came out of it like a bear coming out of hibernation. That is, if said bear crawls out of her cave in tears, growling and squawking at the nearest nurse about how much her back hurts.

I got exhaustion, wooziness, a vicodin haze, the inability to get out of bed on my own for the first 2 days (darn stomach muscles!), drain tubes (sorry... gross, I know), the inability to think lucidly, extreme soreness, three crying children who didn't understand why Momma was staying in the hospital instead of coming home... "like you PROMISED!!"

I can barely stay awake during a 10 minute phone conversation, much less make lists and check them twice. This is the fourth occasion I've sat down to type this blog.

But I also got... a wonderful husband who completely re-arranged his calendar to take care of me... good friends who have called to check on me, brought me cards and goodies, delivered lunch to me and dinners to my family, made sure that my kids are cared for, and don't mind that I practically fall asleep on the couch when they drop by to check in.

Thanks to everyone for your kind messages, phone calls, thoughts, and prayers for a speedy recovery. :)

Oh, and thanks for not thinking I'm a big weenie.

Or at least for not mentioning out loud in my presence that I am a big weenie.

Love y'all.

Six thoughts for Sunday...

2010-10-10T19:37:00.000-05:00

Six Thoughts for Sunday…

1. Yesterday my husband took a hunter education course so that he could go deer-hunting. He went hunting last year, but he had a deferral. This year, he had to actually attend the course if he wants to get his license.
And he was worried about the test. He studied. He fretted. He looked things up on-line so he could be prepared.

Him: “ I really hope I do well on the test.”

Me: “Um… honey? Have you *seen* some of the toothless nitwits that hunt in our great state? You’ll be fine.”

2. Turns out that the week after you get home from Disneyworld is chock full of laundry, homework, cranky children, and… laundry. Lots and lots of laundry.

3. Our fall schedule has now kicked into high gear, and I think we have something on the calendar for every single weekend until Thanksgiving. And I *wish* this was one of those times when I was exaggerating. (not that I *ever* exaggerate. Nope. Never.)

4. I love yummy, smell-good candles, and I love to burn them and fill up my house with the smell of fresh baked sugar cookies, or apple pie, or pumpkin bread (funny how I always pick food-scented candles.) But I have to admit that I’m forever astonished at how expensive wax has gotten. It’s WAX, people!

5. Oh, and speaking of candles… did anyone EVER go on a tour of that Candle Factory that was in Georgetown? I spent years driving past it, and reading their roof, but I never actually made it in. Was it actually a candle factory (aka: expensive wax storage facility) or was it a front for the Georgetown mafia?

6. No time for thought #6. As we speak, my husband is trying to pull my son’s tooth with a pair of pliers.

Yet another time when I wish I was exaggerating…

From Guest Blogger Davis:

2010-10-06T16:00:00.002-05:00

"One time I was excited when my Mom and Dad suprised me. We were walking to school like any other day and we met my Mom at the park. I was suprised! She handed us each a sack. We opened them. My Mom said, we are going to DisneyWorld. In a few months.

Okay. We said.

You know what? Get in the car. We are going now.

No we are not. I said.

My Dad opened the car door. There was a bag on our seats. Hop in!

Okay. We piled in. Here we come! We drove about 700 miles when my dad slamed on the brakes. We saw a tornado forming. It never hit the ground. Insted, it went back up.

We kept driving. We stoped at a hotel in Pencicola. On Saturday, we kept driving. That day we drove for about 8 hours. We stoped at another hotel.

The next day was our first day! We rode all of the rides. We had a great time! We went on Space Mountain. All that stuff! We had a great time at all the parks. I was sad when we left the last day. I will never forget that trip."

Awww... isn't that great? The funniest part to me about the 'suprise'? Nobody even batted an eye that I was at the park with a video camera trained on them. When asked if they were suspicious when they saw me taking video of them walking to school, their answer?

"Momma, you ALWAYS have a camera."

Good to know some of my lunacy has paid off. ;)

Disneyworld by the numbers:

2010-10-03T11:16:00.002-05:00

Full days spent at Disneyworld: 6

Number of times we stayed until the parks closed for the night: 4

Rides on Space Mountain: 4

Rides on Expedition Everest: 5

Rides on Mission Space: 1

Chances of me ever riding Mission Space (Intense Experience) again: 0

Days we wore matching/ coordinating t-shirts: Oh, come on… you know the answer to that one. ;)

Mickey ice cream bars eaten: 1 per day

Parades we watched: 5

Fireworks shows: 3

Number of times Davis said, “This is the best vacation EVER!!”: 15

Number of times Davis said, “This is the worst vacation EVER!”: 15

Percentage of rides that Libby is now tall enough for: 90

Number of times that Libby said, “I rode that one time~ I don’t have to do it again!”: 3 (Space Mountain, Expedition Everest & Tower of Terror)

Character dining experiences: 3

Pictures taken on my digital camera: 400

Bags of dirty clothes lugged back to Texas: 5

Number of times my kids had ever heard of Disney trading pins prior to this trip: 0

Number of Disney trading pins we now own in the Linson household: 60

Number of times this week that I wished I could check my calendar or send a quick email: 4

Number of times this week that I wished I could put the calendar on hold, slow down the passage of time, and keep my kids little for just a little bit longer: 1,873,477

:)

Wasn't it just yesterday? Or maybe two lifetimes ago...

2010-09-20T01:25:00.005-05:00

I ask you… who goes to their 20 year high school reunion and practically pees in their pants?

I’ll give you one guess.

But it really wasn’t my fault. Stupid cannon.

A better question would be… what kind of insane restaurant randomly fires a cannon off of a deck overlooking the lake? Well, the restaurant that the graduating class of 1990 chose for our 20 year shindig. I really think they should give more warning when they let loose with that thing. Or at least state on the invitation to the reunion that packing an extra pair of skivvies in your handbag might be a good idea.

So yes… we all survived the aptly named, “OMIGOD, it’s our 20 year reunion!” reunion. I’ll admit… I had a great time.

I will *also* admit, I was nervous. Isn’t everyone a touch apprehensive to see people they haven’t seen for two decades? Doesn’t everyone think about what it will be like to go to their reunion, ‘all grown up’? Having filled out in the places where they once were not so… um… full? Having discovered what tweezers can do for that pesky unibrow? Wanting to show up and show off, and trot out pictures of their houses and boats and over-gesticulate with their left hand to emphasize the shiny, enormous, diamond engagement ring?

Maybe. But if you ask me, (and it’s my blog, so let’s pretend you did), that’s how I picture it going at the 10 year reunion. (But I can’t say for sure because I didn’t *actually* go). At 10 years, you’re still a little ‘close’ to the trials and tribulations of high school. Still rather fresh from college, and intent on building your career. Maybe feeling like you have to prove yourself just the tiniest bit. Possibly newly married or starting a family, you’re an up-and-comer… a mover and a shaker, and a stop-off at the 10 year reunion is just what’s in order to boost a potentially battered post-grad ego. An “I’ve made it!” of sorts.

I don’t think that’s the case with the 20 year reunion. At 20 years, we’re all a little mellower. We have a little more ‘been there, done that’ under our belts, and the edges of those cliques have finally blurred. Grayed out just a bit more. The laughter is not so tight, and imagined slights have long since become the proverbial water under the bridge. We are bemused with our old selves as we pass around pictures. And we remember.

And so it goes with this group of people that I knew in a lifetime that seems a lifetime ago… the ones I knew before they grew up… the ones who knew me before I ‘grew up’… the ones that knew me before my dad died... some who knew my secrets… some whose secrets I knew… long before I was a wife and a mother and a volunteer junkie. Some I loved, and still do, of course… and others? Well, everyone knows how that is. I am not naïve or so nostalgic as to think that the passage of time would erase the gravitational pull we all feel to certain friendships. But I can honestly say that I was genuinely pleased to see every single person that made it to the reunion dinner.

Remember the detention assignment letter at the end of the movie, ‘The Breakfast Club’? How we all have just a little bit of each personality in us? How we are all a ‘brain... and an athlete.....and a basket case... a princess... ...and a criminal...’ How poignant that seemed, and how much we wanted to believe?

Well, I believe it to be true. We are old enough to be genuinely who we are, without taking anything away from anyone else, and also realizing that no one does (or ever has) fit into a nice, neat, little box with a label. We are all so much who we are now, as a result of who we once were. And who we were together.

So, 20 years have passed since we donned those red graduation caps and gowns, and it feels even truer now than it ever did. We are more the same than we were ever different, and perhaps there is a drama queen, a band geek, a brainiac, a football star, a homecoming diva...

and yes… even a pants-wetter… in all of us. ;)

Let’s not wait another 20 years, friends.

What I would like to know-

2010-09-19T13:41:00.000-05:00

What I would like to know…

Is *WHY*…even after giving your child cough medicine for their nagging allergy cough…

even after putting a trash can next to their bed in case they get the ‘allergy gags’ in the middle of the night…

even AFTER you have told said child that "here is a trash can… RIGHT NEXT to you in case you feel a little sick to your stomach from the coughing… and the running around, playing football… and, um… the churro you ate…”

WHY?

Do children insist on coming directly to your bedside in the middle of the night to say, “I don’t think I feel so-“

Great. Juuuuust great.

Nothing like the unfortunately all-too-familiar splattering sound right next to your bed.

I’m sorry, folks. Disgusting visual, I know, but not nearly as disgusting as cleaning up churro-laced vomit with a Shop-Vac at 1:00 a.m. (I’m guessing… since Phil is the one on puke duty around here.)

When asked why he didn’t just use the trash can that was right next to his bed? (and no, it wasn’t that mesh one that I bought at IKEA, either)… his answer?

“It wasn’t big enough.”

Clearly the just-recently-cleaned carpet next to Momma and Daddy’s bed was the better choice.

;)

Radishes? Redundant!

2010-09-16T18:50:00.002-05:00

Today I earned the ‘Mother of the Year’ award!

Oh, yes. But if you look closely at the engraving, you’ll notice that there is the little addition of the word “CRAPPIEST” scratched into the nameplate.

Which is what they give you when you FORGET TO PACK YOUR CHILD’S WHOLE LUNCH! Oh, and when you do it for three children, the award is extra magnificent.

Evidently, for lunch today, each of my kids had

1. a Capri-Sun
2. Grapes
3. Fritos

And that’s it. Because I forgot to pack the rest of their lunches for some reason.

Sandwiches? Superfluous!
Napkins? Needless!
Dessert? A distraction!

Speaking of distraction… I guess that’s what happened yesterday afternoon. Go figure… between helping with homework, answering the door, trying to figure out what we were going to have for dinner, heading to the dentist for the kids’ cleanings (to then receive a referral for an orthodontist for Davis… ugh)... I guess I thought they were finished.

It’s not like I thought the ‘Lunch Fairy’ was going to come and visit or anything. (Wouldn’t that be awesome if there was actually a Lunch Fairy?? Wings of bologna, a string cheese magic wand, and little pitted olives for shoes? Awwww…sweet. Or savory ;)

Nope, I just got sidetracked, thought I’d finished the lunches, and stuck the re-usable containers in the refrigerator (RE-USABLE because I love Mother Earth, bee-yotches.)

This morning, the kids actually took them out of the fridge and put them in their backpacks without being reminded (or without me having to do it), so I didn’t notice that their lunch boxes seemed unusually… er…light. The *one* morning they do what they’re supposed to do. Naturally.

What made it worse was that after school, they didn’t throw themselves into the van, wailing about how they were starving. I know… crazy, but it would have made me feel a little better. No… after picking them up, and heading off on an errand, it was a full TEN minutes before Josie mentioned in kind of an off-hand manner…“Oh yeah…Momma, I didn’t have a sandwich today.”

Me: "Yes, you did!"

Josie: "No! No, I didn’t!"

Davis: "I didn’t either!"

Libby: "I’m soooooo hungry!" *sob

Me (backtracking the previous afternoon in my head, sinking feeling setting in): "What *did* you have??"

So how did I redeem myself?

I’d *like* to say that I took them home immediately after school, and whipped up something healthy. You know, something all full of bran and antioxidants and multi-vitamins. Some kale/ banana/ wheat germ monstrosity to give my children the nutrition I so neglectfully denied them today.

But Mommy-guilt is a pretty big motivator to drive to Sonic for slushies and cheeseburgers.

Guess I'm keeping that trophy for awhile.

Overheated...

2010-09-13T09:56:00.003-05:00

I am ready for cooler weather. Which I know makes me exactly like every other person in our great state, but I simply cannot take it anymore.

A short list of things that I am sick of: (yeah, yeah... I know that's not proper English, but I'm too hot to care.)

1. Swimsuits and beach towels. Or to be more precise, WASHING swimsuits and beach towels.

2. An electric bill the likes of which is approximately the GNP of a small Latin American country.

3.The latch to open the back of my van. It likes to melt in temps over 95 degrees, and when it melts, it is sticky and I get black goo all over my fingers when I try to open it. And the idiot service people at Toyota don’t really think its an issue, and that it’s certainly not covered by warranty, and that I should pay for it out-of-pocket. Damn bloodsuckers.

4. Oh, and I’m sick to death of mosquitoes. And how much they resemble Toyota service managers.

5. That it is too hot to snuggle up with my boyfriend. And that I end up shoving him over to the middle of the bed during the night. Which makes my husband much less amenable to sharing the bed with my boyfriend*. (Try to wrap your head around that one, why doncha’?)

6. Sunscreen. The smell of it… the mess it makes in my swim bag because everyone was way too eager to just jump in the water, and a little inconvenience like CLOSING THE CAP was clearly negotiable.

7. Boob sweat. Now don’t go acting all surprised or offended, girls. We’ve all had that same little trickly feeling. And I *know* we Southern girls are supposed to GLOW… but if you’re glowing, instead of full-on sweating, then clearly you haven’t spent an August day at Sea World in San Antonio.

8. It’s too hot outside to want to do anything other than watch television or play video games. Which we did more than our fair share of this summer. So much so that I suspect the kids believe that ‘WE’ is actually spelled ‘Wii’…

...you know, as in “Wii went to the Toyota service department again today. And Mommy went all ‘Are you Smarter than a 5th Grader?’ on those stupid mosquitoes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
*'boyfriend'= body pillow (just thought I'd clear that up ;)

Things I learned or remembered this week:

2010-09-10T20:40:00.000-05:00

1. Sometimes a 4 day week feels waaaaay longer than a regular week. Can anyone explain this phenomenon to me?

2. It feels good to just let things go sometimes. And I don’t mean the laundry, either, because that just stresses me the hell out. I’m talking about the resentment and the grudge and the need to feel righteously indignant.

3. Remember back when I just wasn’t sure how I would get through the day with my sweet little baby in kindergarten? No worries. I’ve discovered that 2:45 gets here very quickly.

4. Packing for a ‘secret vacation’ is tricky. Oh, and keeping your mouth shut about a ‘secret vacation’ is super hard, too. Especially for me.

5. A group of 10 year old girls can squeal VERY loudly. And often.

6. It is a good idea to have a stockpile of ibuprofen when planning a sleepover. I'm just sayin'.

I think you should.

2010-09-08T08:03:00.003-05:00

Go to my profile. Right now.

Jeeeeez... bossy, aren't I?

See that? I have a new blog.

It's called 'Packing for Planet Linson'. Go check it out ;)

An ocean view

2010-09-07T11:34:00.004-05:00

Libby made this picture for me...

Oooh, scary! Right?

She then pointed to the big shark with the bloody teeth, and the mean eye, that looks as though it is trying to chase someone up a mountain as they drip blood back down into the water (what can I say? Maybe we shouldn't have let her watch 'Shark Week' on the Discovery Channel.)... and anyone want to guess what she said?

"That's you, Mommy!"

The shark.

Oh dear. My heart broke just a little bit, and as I looked at her picture, I wondered why on earth my little girl would draw a picture of me as an angry, man-eating shark?

Maybe I shouldn't have yelled at her to pick her shoes up off the stairs before somebody 'trips and kills themself, and has to go to the hospital!' (Trust me... I know that doesn't make any sense.)

Maybe I shouldn't have threatened to take her for an immediate haircut if she didn't stop squirming and whining while I was trying to brush it out.

Maybe I should try to have more patience.

Libby: "And that? (pointing to the man, trying to escape up the mountainside) That is someone that was going to hurt your little shark babies."

Me : "He was?"

Libby: "Yep. So you bit him."

What relief I felt. My kid didn't think I was some mean monster (at least not today ;), and she felt secure that I would bite the heck out of anyone that would ever try to harm my own little shark babies. Damn skippy!

Libby: "And that's me. (pointing to the little green triangle inside/ next to the mama shark.)..... And that right there? That's your pretty pearl necklace."

But of course. A girl's gotta look stylish, even when protecting her own. ;)

Oh, I've missed you little Blogosphere buddies!

2010-09-02T23:26:00.004-05:00

Oh. My. Goodness!

I have missed all of my snookums (um... yeah. That's you, people.), and I hope that you will consider forgiving me for abandoning you for over a week!

What can I say? I know that being all, like, "I've been busy!" is such a cop-out. But, really...

Need proof?

That zebra was hard to catch.

Don't read this, Stacy Holley.

2010-08-25T19:09:00.005-05:00

Lest you think I’m a nutcase (or even nuttier than you already think I am), let me preface by saying that I *know* I will get used to this. Probably very soon.

But today? It was strange.

It was not your ordinary, average Wednesday. Okay, maybe for YOU, it was, but for me? It was a whole other animal.

It was the second day of school. Correction: It was the second day of kindergarten for my youngest child. Which makes it the first day of my ‘new normal’. Yesterday was a heady mix of anxiety, anticipation and excitement (followed by sheer exhaustion). A day of firsts, a day of Mexican martinis with friends at Chuy’s to celebrate, an evening of dinner out with the kids, followed by our ‘First Day of School’ cake, ending with baths and hugs and lots of forms to fill out for school. A good day, but it was the first day of school, so in my mind, it didn’t ‘count’.

Today counted.

And count I did… I counted the hours. Because today was my ‘new normal’. All three of my children are now school-age. They are all in elementary school. They are all gone from 7:30 until 2:45 everyday. And I am left feeling just a little bit lost.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m a girl that can stay busy. Projects? I got ‘em. Friends? I call ‘em. Volunteer opportunities? I welcome ‘em (my husband, on the other hand? ;)

But after being home with at least one child for the last ten years, today was a little bittersweet. Phil asked me, “You *did* know that this was what would eventually happen, right?”

Well, duh.

Today found me showered, dressed, having walked the kids to school, and back home by… 7:45 a.m.?? “Okay,” I thought. “Time to get some things done around here…” Answer some emails, update my calendar, check CNN, start a load of laundry, clean the downstairs bathroom, Check CNN, make some calls, check CNN (you DO remember my CNN addiction, don’t you?), vacuum the family room, upload some pictures… I checked the clock to make sure I wasn’t going to be late to the lunch I scheduled with my girlfriends…

9:30 a.m.?? You CAN’T be serious.

I decided that I needed to get out of the house. So I got in the van and drove. To CVS because it was close to the restaurant where we were meeting, and I thought it improper to show up to lunch two hours early. And I went in, and wandered around. In CVS. People just don’t do that. People go to CVS for a specific purpose. For Q-tips or Benadryl...or a bottle of red wine (did you know they sell wine in CVS?!)

So, I wandered from aisle to aisle, and lingered in the ‘As Seen on TV’ aisle, debating the merits of a Shake Weight vs. a Slap Chop. (But what I really want is a ‘Perfect Brownie’ brownie cutter. My birthday is in December, BTW.)

I finally found myself in the aisle with the baby products. Bad move. I picked up a Johnson’s lavender-scented Baby Wash, and unscrewed the cap so that I could smell it. I’m embarrassed to admit that I even peeled the metallic paper wrapper off of the bottle to be able to *properly* sniff it. It smelled like I remembered my babies smelling, fresh out of a bath, and I had to quickly wipe my eyes before a young stock boy stumbled upon me, opening bottles and crying like some hormonally imbalanced crazy person in the aisle of the drugstore. Hey, now!

“Get a grip!” I thought, fiercely, replaced the bottle on the shelf, checked my watch, and made my way back out to my van, with only 30 minutes to kill before my lunch date. *sigh.

Right now, if you spent your entire day at work, you are ever so kindly telling me to shut the f**k up, and possibly to suck it up, and quite possibly, you’re thinking that I’m a whiny, ungrateful little brat who doesn’t appreciate being able to stay at home. That’s where you’d be wrong.

It’s just… different. Different in a good way, but most definitely different.

I know I will get used to having the house empty during the day, and having time to get a few chores and errands finished. Time to work on a project or two. I know I will come to love being able to schedule something (anything!) that requires more hours than the preschool day had… driving downtown, perhaps, to have lunch with my husband… or getting my hair colored (*that* is a long damn process, my friends.)

I’ll get there (probably next week), but right now, I’m in transition. I’m grieving my ‘old normal’ just a bit. The morning playdates, Elmo’s World, McDonald’s Happy Meals for lunch, the library in the middle of the day, and naptime.

My kids are growing up (faster than I’m ready for, most days)… and today was a marked reminder of that.

As if I needed reminding.

On the day before the first day of kindergarten...

2010-08-23T22:06:00.003-05:00

On the day before the first day of kindergarten...

we got her outfit all ready.

On the day before the first day of kindergarten...

I baked cookies, made the 'First Day of School' cake, washed sheets, bought a few supplies we had forgotten, finished first day teacher gifts (I know, I know. It truly is an illness), and packed her backpack.

On the day before the first day of kindergarten...

I tried to get in extra snuggles.

On the day before the first day of kindergarten...

I gave her a shower, even though she squirmed and squealed, and reminded me in no uncertain terms that she had "a shower yesterday!!" (Hey, in the summertime, the chlorine in the pool keeps them plenty clean. ;)

On the day before the first day of kindergarten...

We read a few extra stories, and I felt a little nostalgic that after ten years of being at home with at least one child, that phase of life in our household has passed.

On the day before the first day of kindergarten...

I choked back tears more than once.

And my little angel... my youngest... my sweet baby who is on the threshold of a whole new adventure in her young life?

Well, on the day before the first day of kindergarten...

She channeled her inner Anna-Nicole Smith.

I hope kindergarten can survive her.

Take note...

2010-08-22T20:17:00.003-05:00

If you have this on your bathroom counter to lacquer your teased-up 80's bangs (I've got my 20 year high school reunion coming up, and I'm thinking of going retro.)

Then I really do NOT recommend having this on your countertop, as well.

Trust me, those purples are waaaaaay closer in color than they show in the picture.

Her daddy is so proud...

2010-08-18T13:03:00.002-05:00

Davis: "Libby, when you start kindergarten, you’ll learn lots of new stuff."

Libby: "I will?"

Davis: "Yep. You’ll learn to read… you’ll learn about plants… you’ll learn about the sun… oh, and the planets."

Libby: "I know the planets."

Davis: "No, you don’t!"

Libby: "Well, I know three…"

Davis (challenging): "Which ones?"

Libby (thinking hard): "Earth…

Pluto…

and Hoth."

Jeez. I can’t believe she didn’t even *mention* Alderaan. ;)

One of those days.

2010-08-17T18:15:00.003-05:00

Do you ever just have one of those days?

This morning I got up, determined to make pancakes for Davis, who had been nagging me for two solid days that he wanted pancakes for breakfast. And if not breakfast, then DEFINITELY lunch. Not frozen… and certainly NOT homemade chocolate chip pancakes (I made those a few days ago. What nerve I have!)… but ‘real’ pancakes.

I got everything ready to make said ‘real’ pancakes and realized that we were completely out of milk.

Disaster. Meltdown #1 of the day.

Later in the morning (after toast, fruit, and juice for breakfast), it was off to see a movie at the dollar cinema… ‘Karate Kid’. Which turned out to be a really good movie. And a really LOOONG movie. And about 20 minutes into the show, I remembered that I was scheduled to bring dinner to a friend who had recently had major surgery. And I had prepped nothing. N-O-T-H-I-N-G.

So as the movie dragged on (two hours and twenty minutes??), and I am cheering for someone to just finally win this Kung Fu tournament already… I got a text from my darling husband.

He was at the tire place, getting his tires replaced because he had screws in two of them, and they were slowly leaking air. So FOUR, count ‘em… FOUR new tires later, my head was splitting, and dollar signs were dancing through my vision. Backward and down the crapper. Cha-ching!

After the movie, I made a mad dash to H.E.B. to pick up the items to make dinner to deliver, and as I sped through the aisles, pulling stuff off of the shelves, all three kids jogging to keep up, I ran into a friend in the refrigerated section (not LITERALLY, for which I’m sure she is grateful). I stopped to chat for just a minute… and while we were talking, some guy walked by, pointed and said, “Excuse me, but those kids are going to kill each other.”

Um… what?? Which kids? What the heck was he talking about??

Oh, none other than… my children…who happened to be shutting each other inside the refrigerated section, and waving to one another from behind the glass doors like they were being defrosted while on display at a cryogenics lab.

Totally mortified, I quickly paid for my groceries, got everybody loaded up in the van, and went to back out of my parking space.

CRUUUNNNCH!

In my blind spot, sat a sedan who had zipped behind me to wait for a space on the opposite side of the lane to open up. And it couldn’t have been a beater… some crappy old car… Nope.

Had to be a Lexus.

Could this day GET any friggin’ better??

Practically in tears, I exchanged information with the other driver, called Phil, and assessed the damage. The highlight of it all? Trying to figure out how to take pictures with my cell phone in the blacktop parking lot of the grocery store when it’s 105 degrees outside.

And once at home, after getting dinner started, and realizing that I had forgotten to put an egg in the brownie mix (after the brownies had already been baking for 20 minutes, of course, so there was no salvaging them for my dinner delivery), I sat down at the table to call my insurance company. Never a fun activity, regardless of the circumstances.

Answering question after question, the lady on the phone got all the information she needed, and said, ‘I think that’s it, Mrs. Linson. I’m really glad everyone is okay.”

I mean, I KNOW she’s probably paid to say that… but I came undone just the teensiest bit. I began to cry, and I said, “Me too.”

And as I looked around at my wreck of a kitchen, my doomed eggless brownies, my cell phone loaded up with off-center pictures of damaged bumpers, and the bits of paper with scribbled insurance policy numbers… I realized that this, too, shall pass.

It was a minor fender bender, and I have insurance.

We now have four new tires on my husband’s car. We may be broke, but at least we’re safe.

I didn’t just have to have surgery.

I have kids that know how to... er... entertain themselves in the grocery store. ;)

And… I remembered the milk. So, tomorrow, I get to get up in the morning, make ‘real’ pancakes, and start over fresh.

Thank you, Lord, for days like today.

Get. Back. In. The. Car.

2010-08-12T13:27:00.002-05:00

Let me just say… I love a good car game. I do.

‘The License Plate game’ can be educational. A little boring if you live smack dab in the middle of Texas, though.

‘Name that Animal’… VERY educational. (By the way, did you know that yaks make pink milk? You DID?)

Scavenger hunts… er… enthusiastic.

‘Slug Bug’? Well, I think we know my thoughts on that by now.

My nephew, though, recently taught my children a new car game. A game called… “Spot, Copper, Kidnapper”. The way it’s played is pretty straightforward. Spot a yellow vehicle (any yellow vehicle for that matter… school bus, yellow car, a DHL delivery truck) and be the first to yell out, ‘SPOT!’

Preferably as loudly as you can when sitting directly behind the driver’s seat. (at least that's the way *my* children play.)

And when you spy a police car? Or a sheriff’s deputy? Or anything that looks remotely ‘official’. And by ‘official’, you know I mean anything that makes Mommy slam on her brakes and look back through the rearview mirror while cursing under her breath? Yeah, those cars are known as…

‘COPPERS!’

Shout it out with me, would you?

And the last part of the game? Well, according to my nephew, those vehicles are easy to spot. Those are the ‘workmen vans’… the ones that contractors use that have no windows or doors on the sides… the delivery trucks, etc…. ‘kidnap vans’.

Yeah, yeah… not exactly politically correct. But my kids were instantly hooked, and the back of my mini-van has been host to many a game of ‘Spot, Copper, Kidnapper’ since my 9 year old nephew enlightened us.

No biggie… The game keeps them occupied, allows me to listen to my man, Charlie on KLBJ, in peace, and if they have an especially good eye, it’s my ‘heads-up’ to slow down so I don't get a speeding ticket. (Thanks, kids!)

What I *do* worry about is how the game sometimes carries over. You know… like to the parking lot.

At Home Depot…

And my kids are looking at all those repairmen’s vans like they’ve hit the motherlode (and bonus?? Sometimes there are actual people still IN the vans) ...

There’s nothing like three kids jumping up and down in the parking lot, pointing and shouting out, “KIDNAPPER!! KIDNAPPER!!” to make you long for a good old game of Slug Bug.

Lessons from an Ogre

2010-08-09T16:55:00.002-05:00

If you have kids, you know you’ve done it.

Nooooo… not that. Geez.

You’ve reminisced about ‘life before kids’. Romanticized the ‘good ol days’ before you were woken up early every morning. Before the house was in a constant state of disarray. The days when you could stay up… or out… as late as you wanted without the mental ‘cha-ching’ of the cost of the babysitter scrolling through your mind.

The days when you could eat a piece of chocolate cake… without giving anyone ‘Just. One. More. Bite.’

I’ve done it. I’ve remembered fondly the days when I lived alone, in my little apartment that was MINE, MINE, MINE! That tiny little box with a futon and clothes all over the floor of my bedroom and a refrigerator that was a toxic waste dump, and a television that wasn’t blaring the Disney channel at record volume.

So, if you have kids, and if you’ve seen the movie, Shrek Forever After, you ‘get’ it.

**SPOILER ALERT** In this movie, (the 4th in the series), Shrek makes an almost disastrous wish to have just one more day of his old life. One day back before the responsibilities… the noise… the chaos that comes with being a parent… a spouse… a grown-up, I guess.

And, much like each of us, I suspect, he comes to the conclusion that he loves his life, messy ogre babies and all, and wouldn’t change it for the world.

A good reminder that even when life gets challenging, most of us would choose our OWN life... our own messy ogre babies... our own swamp... and our own issues, time and again.

I know I would.

After the movie (and YES, I teared up a little. It wouldn’t be an animated movie if I didn’t get choked up), I was explaining to the kids that even when life gets hard as a Mommy and Daddy, that we wouldn’t wish to have our old lives back.

Me: And sometimes we get upset or frustrated, but we have chosen the life we have for reason, and we wouldn’t trade our lives with you guys for ANYTHING!

Libby (dubiously): ‘You wouldn’t even trade us for a flat screen T.V.?’

Oh. Well, a FLAT screen… that’s another story. ;)

Et tu?

2010-08-06T09:20:00.001-05:00

I had good intentions. Really.

I know, I know. Yesterday’s blog started the same way, but what can I say?

I hope the old saying’s not true… ‘The road to hell is paved with good intentions.’ If it is, maybe I can at least catch a ride in a handbasket.

When school got out for the summer, we had big plans to… Read! Visit the library! Practice flashcards! Take mini field trips! Go to the Bob Bullock museum! Swim! Practice our multiplication tables! See movies! Collect fossils at Shoal Creek!

Of that list, the only one that we did on a consistent basis was… SWIM! Oh yes, swim team overtook our lives, and our psyches, and our laundry schedule (oh, the towels…), and before we knew it, there were three weeks left of summer. Just enough time to buy school supplies, and lament over the fact that summer had flown so quickly. Because it did.

And I admit… I will be the mom that sends her kids back to school with the previous school year’s learning completely erased from their little brains. It couldn’t be helped. But I know I’m not the only mom out there that suffers from this fate… what is it about summertime that begs of us to float on pool noodles, eat ice pops while we stand directly in front of an open freezer, and eschew all things academic?

Just yesterday, though, I was at the pool (floating on a noodle… I *do* love those things), and I struck up a conversation with another mother. A mother who, while perfectly nice, happened to mention that her children get up early every morning in the summer to study Latin.

Latin.

Oh, you didn’t catch that?

I said, ‘LATIN’.

Talk about being ‘out-mommed’. Out-everythinged, actually. The only comeback I could muster?

“Latin? Wow. I think Phineas and Ferb occasionally use Latin phrases…”
(weak chuckle…)
(VERY weak chuckle…)

Damn.

Perhaps I’ll be allowed a snack in the handbasket. ;)

Game on! Or not...

2010-08-05T15:15:00.003-05:00

I had good intentions. Really.

A nice wholesome family card game before dinner. Just a quick little game (the back of the box promised 15 minutes) while we waited for the water to boil for the pasta, and the garlic bread to bake.

Who knew it would all go so disastrously?

I guess the name of the game COULD have clued me in.

“You Gotta Be Kidding!”... which is eerily similar to one of Phil’s favorite exclamations… ‘You’ve GOT to be freaking kidding me!’ The source of which is usually a dead car battery, a broken pipe… or… um… lightning striking our house, rendering our computer, alarm system, garage door opener, sprinkler system and television KAPUT. That phrase has preceded a couple of insurance claims.

So… not good.

But this game? This family card game boasts on the back of the box… and I quote:

“’You Gotta Be Kidding!’ gets kids and grown-ups thinking, laughing, reasoning and having a blast making goofy decisions. Best of all, kids have fun speaking up for a change, instead of always saying ‘I don’t know.’ Watch imagination rule and confidence build as kids get comfortable standing up for their choice while laughing the whole time.”

Laughter? Reasoning?? Imagination? Confidence?? You had me at ‘Reasoning’, Mr. Copywriter.

It’s a game of ‘Would you rather…’ And then each player tries to guess what the reader would choose. The example on the box (maybe I relied too much on this box?) was pretty innocuous.

Would you rather… Eat a bucket of apple stems

OR

Eat twenty banana peels?

A little icky, perhaps. But still worth some thought, and a chuckle. All in good fun. Sooo the first question out of the box…

As a stuntman, would you rather jump off a cliff into water with a blindfold on…

OR

Jump from a cliff twice as high, but without the blindfold?
(Feel free to think about that one… )

And then… it got dicey. Question 2:

Would you rather always have a fly frozen into each of your ice cubes when you drink something cold?

OR

Drink out of an unwashed tuna can?

Ew.

And then?

Would you rather spread nose pickings over your cereal?

OR

Spread the skin from a bunch of popped blisters over your cereal?

You have GOT to be freaking kidding me! Who the heck comes up with this stuff?? Pre-pubescent boys?? At this point in the game, my appetite has quickly diminished, as each of my children shouts out, in turn, ‘Boogers!’ or ‘Blisters!’ And Phil? Well, he was no help. He just joked we could change the name of the game to ‘The Diet Game’.

And then it was Davis’s turn. The question he chose?

Would you rather drink a small cup of the liquid from a huge blister?

OR

Eat a salad covered with Bits of Scabs?

That did it. The spaghetti and salad that I’d made for dinner suddenly didn’t look all that tasty. And I considered writing to the Zobmondo game company to talk to them about complying with the ‘Truth in Advertising' laws.

I had good intentions. Really. Turns out that while the idea of a card game before dinner sounded good, in THEORY… it has since become a question of:

Would you rather your Mom be honest with you and actually admit that she has thrown out your new favorite card game?

OR

Just have her pretend that it accidentally got knocked off the counter into the trash can and covered with old issues of Southern Living magazine?

Whoa. Tough call.

Gotta leggo control...

2010-08-02T15:17:00.003-05:00

I can tell it's close to summer's end, because my Lego aversion is rearing its ugly head.

Ah, Legos...

I loved playing with them when I was a kid. I would build all kinds of things that looked like... well, like multi-colored brick boxes. Hey, I didn't say I built very CREATIVELY with them, just that I *did* build with them.

I think they CAN be wonderful learning tools. They can spark the imagination, and my son can spend hours building space ships and army platoons and railroads and tanks and racecars and... the list goes on and on.

And EVERY TIME he builds something new, he brings it to me to explain (often in excruciating detail) exactly how he made it.

And that he wants me to take a picture of it. And another of him holding it. And just ONE more 'from this angle'. I have an entire folder on the computer that is devoted to pictures of his Lego creations.

And those expensive Lego sets that come with the ridiculously detailed directions that would take me six weeks and a bottle of gin to finish? Well, the first time Davis built one, it took him about an hour. I was so impressed that I offered to glue the whole thing together piece by piece with Super Glue, so that he could play with it without worrying that it would come apart.

Wasn't that so thoughtful of me?? Yeah, I thought so, too.

Huge waste of my time and Super Glue, I discovered. Because while he LOVES the expensive sets, and loves building them... he also loves taking them apart.

I'm always cringing when I see that he has disassembled that $60 (oh yes... you must not have priced Star Wars Lego sets recently!) Starfighter that he spent a Saturday afternoon building.

The organization junkie in me has tried labeling Rubbermaid containers for the different sets... tried to encourage him to keep the pieces together... tried to not be driven to the edge of insanity by all the Legos I discover that look like it 'could potentially be the ship's control panel' or 'the arm of a Clone Trooper'...

I've given up.

Turns out, he enjoys making his own Lego creations even more than the packaged sets. (He still wants all the fancy pieces that come in the kits, mind you!)

I just keep telling myself that someday he'll probably be a structural engineer. And that when I step on them, or find them in the guinea pig cage,or they get stuck in the vacuum cleaner, that this...

will all be worth it. ;)

Gaawwwd... I HATE it when I'm wrong.

2010-07-30T00:00:00.004-05:00

Some boiled, spicy goodness...

Plus a cold beer...

A good way to end the day.
Thanks, babe...

Speaking of headache-inducing...

2010-07-29T18:19:00.003-05:00

I think it goes without saying... but I'll say it anyway.

Honey... darling... angel husband of mine... I love you. I can't imagine my life without you. But sometimes, I swear, you get your mind wrapped around an idea, and there's just no shaking it.

Today just HAD to be the day? The day for you to boil up a whole mess o' shrimp and corn and potatoes and mushrooms... (otherwise known as a 'shramp bawl').

The day that you had to work late, and I was watching a friends' kids, and we're all tired...
and its late...
and its hotter than two gophers going at it in a wool sock...
and we have headaches...
and I was going to put everyone down for an early bedtime...
and picking up Bush's Chicken would have just been SO MUCH EASIER for dinner???

Truly, I love you. I do. And I love boiled shrimp. Especially with spicy cocktail sauce.

And in your defense, it was an idea that sounded GREAT six hours ago. Right now, I'm just hungry and cranky.

I guess that's just me being shellfish. ;)

Which is why it's 1:00 in the morning, and I'm just now getting on the computer...

2010-07-27T00:53:00.004-05:00

I *swear*... the minute these kids go BACK TO SCHOOL, I will have a half second to myself, and I can once again post blog entries that are hilariously witty, poignant, and thought provoking.

Or mildly amusing.

Or potentially headache inducing.

Whichever.