Count me in!

It’s time for the 2010 Census.

I got mine in the mail, and YES, I will do it. But seriously, people, it is confusing. I mean, the message that goes along with the form clearly states, “Please complete and mail back the enclosed census form TODAY.”

AND it was all in bold, so I knew they meant business. I felt compelled to follow the directions.

Because that’s what I do. I’m a rule follower.
It told me my answers were important. They are confidential. The Census Bureau NEEDS me to do this! I get it.

But then? Then when I go to fill out the blasted thing, it tells me specifically that it wants to count every person on April 1, 2010.

So by that logic, I am UNABLE to finish it and mail it in today!

Thanks for the befuddlement, federal government. (Hmmm... that rhymed a bit. Coincidence?!)


Phil: Just fill it out and mail it in.

Me: I can’t.

Phil: Want me to do it?

Me: NO! I’ll do it. On April 1st.

Phil: Why wait?

Me: Well, I’m supposed to count everyone in our house on April 1st. I can’t count anyone who is in jail, in the military, or away at school.

Phil: Um. Do you think one of us is going to get put in prison between now and April 1st?

Me: No.

Phil: Is someone else moving in that I don't know about?

Me: No. You know… just in case.

Phil: Just in case?



Me: Yeah. Just in case I decide to send Davis to military school before then.

No fast forwarding necessary.

Do you remember when you were a kid? You’d get up early on Saturday mornings to watch the Laff-a-Lympics, and you were always disappointed when Soul Train came on because it meant that Saturday morning was officially ‘over'... but maybe just the teensiest bit relieved because then you could finally run to the bathroom to pee.

Or was that just me?

Maybe you were watching ‘Land of the Lost’ with Marshall, Will, and Holly, on their routine expedition, halfway through a can of Tab, and all of a sudden, your soda is making you sit up and take notice.

What were your options?

1. Go to the bathroom, and risk missing something vital to the story line. You just never KNEW what was going to happen with those damn Sleestak.

2. Just hold it, be miserable, and wait for a commercial.

At the risk of sounding old, I have to say… kids these days just don’t know how easy they have it. Movies on DVD, DVR’s, video games, a DVD in the van, the ability to pause live T.V.,… (let me say it again… PAUSE live T.V.!!)


My kids just hop up, say, “Pause it, please!”, and run to the potty. Want to watch that part again? No problem… rewind it. Boring commercial? Fast forward. You can’t hear Oprah because the kids are arguing upstairs? (Um…so yeah. That would be me… I mean, Phil. ;)

And it’s not like my kids even watch that much television. It’s just that they’re so used to being able to fast-forward through boring commercials, or pause what they’re watching, that they don’t have to worry about missing the things they really *do* want to see.

That is, unless a scheming brother or sister has control of the remote, and they’ve promised to not start the movie while you run upstairs to get your favorite action figure, and they “absolutely won’t watch it until you get back… promise!”, and then… well, you know exactly what happens.

You may have even heard the screaming that ensues from your house.

I’ve even been know to use the awesome pause feature to get a few things done around the house without nagging.

“I’m pausing the movie for 15 minutes. I hope you can get your room clean, the bathroom floor mopped where you splashed water from the shower, the Legos picked up from the playroom floor, your Christmas thank you notes written, and your homework finished in that time.

(Just kidding, people.)


(Those Legos are never getting cleaned up.)




I didn’t realize how pervasive it had become in our household, though, until the other day.

It was an idyllic quiet afternoon. Yesssss. It can *actually* be idyllic around here. And quiet. For about 4 and a half minutes.

Anyway, Josie was doing her homework at the kitchen table, I was baking cookies (okay, so they were 'Slice and Bake'. Sue me.), and Davis was reading a book to Libby (aw… so sweet).

Well, Davis was reading all about how Anakin Skywalker was decloaking the stealth ship and firing four proton torpedoes at the enemy ship which then put its thermal shields up just in time, blocking the incoming missiles.

(Sure, he’ll read to her. It’s just that *he* gets to choose the book.)

So about halfway through the book, Libby interrupted him.

Libby: “Excuse me, but I need to go potty. Can you stop reading for just one second? I’ll be right back!”















Well… that’s what I *wish* she’d said. What did she actually say?




Yep. “PAUSE IT!”

I couldn't do this if you paid me.

Yes, you *do* have to turn your head aaaaaaaaalll the way to the side to watch this video. I don't know how to turn it, or if that's even possible.

Sorry 'bout that.

Yes, you *do* have to look at my huge expanse of WHITE wall because we still haven't gotten around to picking a new paint color.

Sooo... sorry.

Yes, you *do* have to gasp and admire my kid's ability to throw a baton up in the air, spin around, and catch it. I mean... she's NINE, people.

Sorry.





Yes, I *am* bragging.




And I'm not sorry about that at all. ;)

It's called juxtaposition, y'all!

It's almost midnight.

I am awake for one reason... to register my children for swim team. It's a dog eat dogfish world out there, people.

Registration opens at midnight, and I'm banking on everyone else's power still being out from the thunderstorm we had earlier in the night.

I am blogging for another reason.

If I make




this post



long enough...







It will move




the picture






of the 'vajazzled'






hoo-hah





further





down








the page.








Away from






the pictures









of my kids. ;)














Mission accomplished. Well, partly.

Now if I can just get all three kids registered for swim team, I can go to bed.

Wish me luck.

It's true... you *can* bling just about anything!

Okay, we’re not even going to go into how I stumbled upon this…

















Cause let’s just say… I did.

And I’m absolutely dazzled.

I first heard about this when the actress Jennifer Love Hewitt talked about it while promoting her new book. She mentioned to a talk show host that she… um… ‘vajazzles’.

She explains, "It's called 'vajazzling'. After a break-up, a friend of mine Swarovski-crystalled my precious lady and it shined (sic) like a disco ball... Women should 'vajazzle' their vajay-jays (v@gina)."

According to the New York Times… (okay it’s not really from the New York Times. It’s from some random website I found whilst I was googling ‘vajazzling’…. Googling… Vajazzling… Googling... Vajazzling... they are *both* such fun to say...)

Anywaaaaay... according to the NEW YORK TIMES... "It is a new trend in ladies' intimate fashion that involves rounding out a bikini wax with the decorative application of Swarovski crystals, Salon reports. The procedure, which is offered at Completely Bare spa in New York City for $115, including the cost of the bikini wax and your choice of crystal design, takes about 45 minutes. The decoration is applied to the freshly waxed skin using an adhesive on the back of the crystals—which are applied in a large pattern or, in the case of certain detailed designs, are also individually hand-placed—and the glitzy result is supposed to last about five days."


And then? When I found the picture? Well, then I called to Phil in the other room…

Me: Hey honey! Come here and look at this picture on the internet!

Him: Okay… just a second.

Waiting…




Waiting…




Waiting…



Me: It’s a picture of a chick that has crystals on her hoo-hah.

The only other time he’s moved that fast was the time I said, “Hey honey… is it just me or is Serena Williams not wearing any underwear in this picture?” That time, his feet actually made that cartoon screeching noise as he skidded around the corner to the computer.

I do have to say, though… 115 dollars?!! That’s some crazy coin for cootchie crystals.

It would be just my luck to save up the money to get ‘vajazzled’ for a special occasion. You know, like our anniversary... (or a Jersey Shore marathon on MTV)… and *I’d* be the lucky 1% that had an allergic reaction to the glue they use to put on the sparklies. That would just be EXTRA special.

Plus it would just be so difficult to choose a design. What would I get?! My initials? The Nike swoosh? The Chinese characters for ‘WTF was I thinking?!' Um, how about… ‘LOL’? Seems pretty appropriate, if you ask me.



But really, friends…you know me well enough to know that I am resourceful.



I am frugal.

*I* am a heck of a do-it-yourselfer.




And I think I may have just found the perfect use for all those gemstones I bought on sale at Hobby Lobby.

It's on the calendar...

I have long been a calendar girl.

No, not one of *those*, silly. I just mean that I have always kept some type of calendar, daytimer, or planner.

I would go crazy marking things down, assigning categories, using different colors of markers for different events, and highlighters to accent the most important things that I MUST NOT FORGET!! What can I say? I like to highlight.

Now, I do that all electronically on my Palm, and it nicely categorizes, allows me to highlight (yes, *highlight*!) each child’s activities in different colors. It feeds into my organizational junkie tendencies. I have a system. I do so love systems.

And I love to write things down. I have a calendar that is specifically for my dinner menu. I love to make lists. I make lists for myself. I make lists for the kids, and I make lists for Phil (trust me, he LOVES them.)

Sometimes, if something is not on my list, but I do it anyway, I will later write it on the list just so I can CROSS IT OFF! It’s a sickness, I know.

And looking at my lists, or at my calendar, you will notice I have my very own ‘shorthand’. Smiley faces, asterisks, abbreviations… to anyone else looking at it, it might be practically indecipherable. Practically.



Last Saturday for instance, the calendar included the following action items:

1. Buy items for Davis to donate to the 2nd grade food drive at school. He asked me to buy packages of ‘Cup of Soup’ because he personally loves them. The class that donates the most earns a big prize.

2. At 11:00 a.m., we made plans to go to the Austin Family Fair in Zilker Park.

3. The movie, ‘Old Dogs’ was showing at 5:00 at the dollar movie. (it is funny, BTW)




To the casual observer, it appeared that my plans last Saturday included:

1. Get D-cups--- BIG PRIZE!!

2. 11:00--- AFFair in park


3. 5:00--- O.D.

Quite a different sort of Saturday. So it is easy to look at my planner and make assumptions. For example, that notation in my planner…

Guinea Pigs---Craigslist



I know that *might* make it look like I’m thinking about selling the kids’ pets on Craigslist…

So, um… anyway... ;)

But I NEEEEEED it!!!

I am seriously on the verge of loading my kids up in the van to drive them past the parts of the city that have low income housing. No, not to drop them off, tempting as it may be on Day #6 of Spring Break.

For a reality check.

My poor ‘deprived’ children who think that having to wait until their birthday for a toy is cruel and unusual punishment. My kids who don’t understand why we can’t eat lunch out every day of Spring Break.

I guess right now, I’m just a little fed up. This week, for some reason, has been high on the ‘Gimme’ scale. A routine trip to Wal-Mart this morning has resulted in a long lecture from Mommy about ‘Needs’ vs. ‘Wants’.

I blame The Cartoon Network. Extra time on spring break = extra time watching t.v.= extra toy commercials hawking all the things that my kids MUST have RIGHT NOW!!

And it could be that currently, I’m just overly sensitive to it. Because like a lot of people in our country right now, we are trying to tighten our belts. Rein in our spending. Eat at home. Go to the dollar movies instead of the full price theater.

Where is the balance, people? I hate to always be the mom that says, ‘No… No… Nooo!!!’ to everything, but I also don’t want my children to have unrealistic expectations that they can get something every time we venture into Target to buy toilet paper.

Or that a quick trip to the mall does not have to include an over-sized soft pretzel and a run through Old Navy to see what’s on sale.



Okay… well, actually, that’s me.



Damn.