Wednesday, September 14, 2011

A very merry Christmas in September

I’ve already started my Christmas shopping.

Now, don’t be a hater… I wasn’t *going* to do any shopping yet, but when you find the perfect gifts for the perfect people, it’s hard to not just jump right in with both jingle bells, waving your Mastercard around, yelling, “I’ve got to get me one of those!! Or maybe even THREE!”

And honestly, they don’t mind you doing that in TJMaxx. It’s encouraged, even.

So, I wasn’t *going* to do any shopping yet, but when this little gem arrived in my mailbox, I was a goner.

I do so love getting catalogs in the mail, but I usually am pinching pennies, which makes my catalog perusal exactly that… more of a perusal, and less of a purchasing expedition. But everything in this catalog is TOTALLY in my price range! Which just happens to be somewhere between free, and ‘how well do I like this person’? I usually lean a little closer to the ‘free’ end of the spectrum.

And this catalog? Well, this catalog is the perfect marriage of Lillian Vernon meets SkyMall meets Home Shopping Network. This would be THE catalog that Lillian Vernon would conceptualize when flipping through a SkyMall mag whilst on a plane to the Home Shopping Network studio.

So, with Mastercard in hand, I’ve hammered out a couple of gifts for the most *special* people in my life. And I mean that in the *special-ist* way possible.

First and foremost, I’m totally getting this candle for my mother.

She likes Paula Deen… she likes candles. And I have a sneaking suspicion that this candle probably smells like butter. Or bacon. Or white-haired old lady.

This candle makes me want to talk with a Southern accent, use an alarming amount of butter in recipes, and narrate to an imaginary audience exactly what I’m doing every time I toast a piece of bread. It’s a ‘must-have’ for every white-haired old lady in YOUR life. (I kid, Mother.)

And for my MIL (mother-in-law)? Well, she enjoys a glass of wine every now and again, and I just knew that she would love to visit with The King while imbibing.

The King of Rock & Roll, of course, not to be confused with the King of Pop. I’m not 100% sure she’d know who the King of Pop is (was), and would wonder why there was a picture of an ugly white girl with sunglasses and an unfortunate nose job on her Christmas present.

These glasses are divine, though, and feature the King in his glory days.

Of course, I can’t help but think that the fat, bloated Elvis in his later years might be more appropriate on wine glasses, but I guess nobody wants a cautionary tale when they’re having a cocktail. Which explains why there are no Lindsay Lohan wineglasses. Not that my MIL would know who that is either.

But the clincher? The item that made this catalog my automatic ‘One Stop Shop’ for All Things Crap… er… Unique?

For my darling husband:

I KNOW!! I couldn’t believe it either! The style…

the flair…

the complete abandonment of self-esteem and total indifference for one’s appearance.

I mean… um… the COMFORT!

(oh, and click on the picture to get a better look. Because, really, why *wouldn't* you??)

I simply couldn’t choose between the dark wash (with realistic patches and boxers showing at the waist! Even gangstas want to be comfy in their jammies from time to time)...

... and the acid wash (BTW, 1987 wants their Pajama Jean back.) But at the oh-so-reasonable price of $12.95, I can afford to get both pair!

It was a happy day on Planet Linson when I realized my hard-working husband wouldn’t have to sacrifice comfort to look...well, to look completely disheveled in what looks like jeans from back in his college days when he worked in an aviary, and was attacked by a giant African crane (a whole other blog).

Now, I know what you’re thinking… where can I find that catalog?? Well, I’m pretty sure I included the website on a couple of my pictures because I really have an eye for detail. And a compulsive laziness in regards to cropping and/ or Photoshopping pictures for my blog.

So there is a very good chance that you will go there, and find the perfect gifts for your loved ones. One can never have too many “Jingle Jitters Latte Candles”, “ShotGun Shell Shot Glasses”, or “Glow-in-the-Dark Balls” (not kidding.)

I was going to include pictures of each of those, as well, but did I mention my compulsive laziness? So, yeah.

What I wouldn’t do to have one of each and every thing from the Lakeside Collection. Well, one of every item, save one.

If you get the urge to do a little shopping for ME?

Well, skip the jellybeans, and just send the booze.

Thanks, and Merry Christmas in advance! :)

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Oh, you have no idea.

Yesterday I took my van in to have the drop-down DVD player repaired.

It stopped working a few months ago, but I haven’t had a chance to take it in because I couldn’t be without my vehicle during the summer. The logistics of three kids, dropping off the van, switching the seats into Phil’s car, etc. was just too much to handle in this heat. So no DVD player in the car all summer. No biggie.

It’s not like we really went anywhere that was far enough away to allow even one movie to play all the way through, anyway.

Not my point.

Point is, kids are finally back in school (yay!), we are headed to Dallas for the weekend, and I was looking forward to a nice, quiet drive with the kids wearing their headphones, immersed in a movie they’ve seen 50 times, but shush each other throughout like it’s a first-run premiere.

So, I took the van in to have it repaired/ replaced/ basically whatever the warranty covers.

And the tech was a very nice guy. Nice enough to write down the stations that my radio was set to so he could re-set them after they worked on the system. Nice enough to offer to run my receipt up to customer service to check out the warranty, since I seemed like I was in a hurry.

Nice enough to checkmark the box for the ‘Interior of the Vehicle’ as:


Whaaaat?? That’s not very nice. :(

I mean, I know my van’s not the cleanest mini-van on the planet (Planet Linson or otherwise.) But HEAVY wear and tear? On a vehicle that I’m still 5 months away from owning outright??

NORMAL wear and tear, yes, I get that. I mean, I have been known to let them eat in the car from time to time.

And there was that time I let them eat their McDonald’s ice cream cones in the van because I saw that guy sitting in the booth next to us, rocking back and forth, eyes squeezed shut, murmuring, ‘Oh, Jesus! Oh, Jesus!’, and clutching his backpack to his chest. That seemed like a good opportunity to just grab our cones, and enjoy them on our drive home.

And we MAY have had a Sonic slushy or two spill out on the seats. And there *is* a red gummy bear ground into the back of the seat that we’ve never been able to fully get out. But it’s covered by a carseat… there was no way he could have seen that!

Anyway, I peeked over his shoulder as he filled out the form, checking off HEAVY WEAR & TEAR.

The only place to go from here is the box marked: COMPLETELY PIGGISH CONDITION.

He saw me watching him. He must have noticed my stricken look because he shrugged and said, “I just have to finish up the paperwork. Don’t worry, I’ve seen a lot worse. Kids can really do a number on a car.”

I just sighed and nodded.

But what I really wanted to say was, “You should see what they can do to a uterus.”