This mommy is an evil genius.

Tips to a Bicker-Free Holiday

Step 1: Buy an extra gift for each of your children. It should not, under any circumstances, be something that you are actually planning to give them for Christmas. I highly recommend something that is crazy expensive.



Step 2: Save the receipt. For sure.



Step 3: Early in the season, wrap each one in brightly colored Christmas wrapping paper, complete with bows, tags, gift toppers… you name it.



Step 4: Place them under the tree, in a prominent location.



Step 5: At the first sign of bickering, griping, complaining, fighting, or refusal to complete chores, warn the children that live in your house that they have been duly warned, and that dire consequences will result if said bickering, et al. continues.



Step 6: Wait 3 minutes. Additional fighting will ensue (that is, if it even takes 3 minutes. At our house, it is more like 42 and a half seconds.)



Step 7: Proceed to the tree, unwrap the chosen gift for each child, show them what they ‘would have gotten’, and then tell them that it will be returned to the store at the first opportunity (here is where having saved the receipt is critical).



Step 8: At any and all future bickering opportunities, casually walk next to the Christmas tree and pretend to peer at each present in turn. It can be especially helpful to pick up one or two at this point and give them a little shake.



Step 9: Enjoy your peaceful (and paranoid) holiday.



** Oh, and one more note… after December 25th, you’re on your own. ;)