Sunday, October 5, 2008


Years ago, when I was pregnant with my oldest child, I imagined all the things I might say as a ‘Mommy’. Not the least of which was, “Oh yes, she started sleeping through the night at 4 weeks old!” (um, no… she didn’t). And then later, “You made the honor roll again?” and let us not forget, “Sweetie, of course, we knew all along that you’d get a full scholarship to Harvard!”

However, a few years into this job, I discovered that there was a whole version of “Mommy-speak” that I had just started to experience. The things I found myself saying would have been beyond my comprehension in my ‘pre-Mommy’ days. Things like: “It’s a ‘no-no’ to squeeze an entire bottle of shampoo on the stairs while Mommy is nursing the baby.” (the people that bought our house in Colorado are probably still wondering why that spot on the carpet collects so much dirt.)

Some of the other things I heard myself saying in the early years of motherhood, “Get OUT of the toilet!! Aaaah! You have your shoes on?!” (No… for the last time, I did NOT take pictures! I was just completely flummoxed that my kid was sitting in the toilet bowl.)

And here’s a string of words that I just never pictured saying at any point in my adult life: “It’s not nice to throw the cheese grater at the van.” Yes, I actually said this to my son when he was a toddler. He loved playing with the kitchen utensils and just happened to be toting the cheese grater around that day (thank you Fisher-Price for all your useless crap I spent big money on). And even better, I was on the phone with a childless friend at the time. She HAD to have thought I was making this up. Either that, or she thought that I’d been hitting the rum a little early that day.

Another personal ‘mommy-ism’: “Honey, please don’t lick the watermelon.” Okay, that one’s not too bad. You might even be asking yourself, ‘What’s so wrong with licking watermelon? Jeez… this lady’s got issues.’ Well, if it hasn’t yet been cut up… heck, it was still in the grocery cart! Um… yuck.

Some of my responses are a result of simply being distracted. Libby came inside crying today because Davis had taken the quarter she had found outside. I was unloading the dishwasher, so my answer? Did I deal swiftly with the little perp? Actually no… Instead I said, “Ooooh… look at this nickel. It’s very shiny. Why don’t you take IT outside?!” (okay, in my defense, she’s three, and she was very happy with the nickel. Please don’t judge.)

Some of my ‘mommy-isms’ are what I like to call ‘save my own ass’ answers, which most typically is: “Honey, I don’t know HOW that got in the trash!” (crap, crap, crap!!) And of course, the classic: “Because I SAID SO!” (always a show-stopper)

Some of my ‘mommyspeak’ is just on ‘repeat’… you know… auto-pilot. They are the things that we say about a thousand times in a single year.
1. Did you make your bed?
2. Please go make your bed.
3. Did you flush?
4. Please go flush.
5. Did you wash your hands?
6. Please go wash your hands….
7. What do you mean you don’t ‘need’ to wash your hands?!! Oh, gross…

But of all the things I say to my kids, there are a few that I’d like to remember to say more often. I tell my kids every single day that I love them, but other things just aren’t said enough. That’s my goal… to try to say *those* things on a daily basis, too. Things like:
1. You’re an awesome kid.
2. You make me proud.
3. I’m so glad I’m your mom.
4. Now please go wash your hands. ;)


Jen said...

I am laughing so hard I was crying!! Super funny and then quite meaningful at the end :)

Thanks for another great blog!!

Laurie K said...

Okay, next needs to be the one concerning the Mommy-translation. You know, the one where you say one thing and it translates into something completely different.

Oh, I don't know, for example when I say "Do NOT touch the potty seat", why did they hear "Grab hold with both hands and try fitting your head in there, too"......

Or the ever popular "Don't move, you stepped in dog poo" which translates roughly into "Run through the house, the carpet's too clean right now".

Staci said...

Um, Laurie... I think I want to read YOUR blog!! :)

s. said...

totally unrelated to your blog: OMG. I have a follower!!!